things..

JOB-less

so my call center days are over now. i resigned last november. well, basically i felt that i have to devote myself again to school. and A.A. hehe but there will be things that i will never forget...

1. MY FIRST CALL. it was a call from an aged couple. the other was using an extension. the old man has hearing problems, the old woman has a speech problem. the call got escalated, i couldn't understand them noh!!
2. YELLOW CAB. i had my first experience of my long-time dream at Ambergris Solutions, the company i was working for. Ma'am Issa treated us one box of that luxurious pizza!
3. MY FIRST ATM. gahd. i was soooo excited!
4. MY FIRST PAY. of course...
5. MR. TRUELOVE. i had this caller at yan talaga ang surname niya. i wonder how many annulments he had?
6. MS. PAM STANFORD FROM FORT WORTH TEXAS! shit. i've erased her from this plan, that made her bills screwed up. i even dreamt about her! and all the other agents were angry because i made their jobs and their lives at stake because of what i did! fortunately, she called up after one month and had her self signed up again for that same plan. rar.
7. MR. PERVERT. no that's not his surname pero he was such a freaking PERVERT!! he called me bitch and asked me.. well here's the conversation:
   
   PERV: Whats your name?
   ME: Therese.
   PERV: Is it an Indian name?
   ME:No sir. It's a name of a saint.
   PERV: really? so you're a saint?
   ME:No sir.
   PERV: you're an angel?
   ME:no sir.
   PERV: so you're a DEVIL.
   ME:no sir!
   PERV: a devil in disguise?
   ME:NO SIR!
   PERV: so you're a BITCH!
   ME: No sir! What can I DO FOR YOU TODAY!
   *mute button* TANGINA MO GAGO!
   ...
   ...
   ...
   PERV: You know what, i've been messing your head, in case you didn't know.
   ME:uh.. ok sir.
   PERV: bye, take care of your boyfriend!
   ME:uhh..ok?sir?
   PERV: and other people's boyfriend?
   ME:uhh.. ok?
   PERV: aha! you naughty bitch!
   *mute button* MAMAMATAY KA RIN GAGO!
8. TC NICK. the cutest. the wisest swooning Team Captain there ever was. *haay..*
9. ---// saka na.
10. ---// saka na ulit.

ENCADRE

when i resigned one thing i wanted to do was magbalik loob sa AA and so i did. i auditioned and got the part of Ashley, the sweet 16 yr old achiever who had a secret love for her bestfriend vince... haay... i sang on stage for the first time in my life. and it was.. umm.. fun? :)

my favorite play was my 1pm show on dec 14. almost all of my classmates were there, and my bestfriend and that BIG GUY. he came with a video camera.. hahaha.

ENCADRE will always be one of my favorite and proudest play.

thanks kuya Ryan for giving me a chance to shine.. chos!
thanks mingu for writing such a wonderful song.
thanks Kuya Xi, for writing the play.
thanks for all those people who came to watch ENCADRE.



feb prod's around the corner.. creepy!! waaahh!! bago yun, HAPPY NEW YEAR MUNA. sana may magandang mangyari sa kin this 2007. haaay...

Oooh! Encadre!

and so Artistang Artlets did it again and i am so damn glad i was part of that production!

when i resigned sa job ko as a call center agent one thing i wanted to do was magbalik loob sa AA so, i gave in and auditioned as Ashley, the sweet 16 yr old girl who's secretly inlove with her bestfriend. luckily i got the role ;)

the days of the play came. we had 3 play dates and i forgot how many shows i had pero pinakafavorite ko yung 1pm show ko nung december 14. why? simply because i think it was my first SRO (Standing Room Only) at gumana yung lapel ko and almost all of my classmates were there.

and also, nikki and terd came to watch my 1pm show. haay.. they came a little late. kat naman fainted somewhere kaya hindi siya nakanuod. understood naman. una i was looking for them sa audience, pero hindi ko sila makita, little did i know, nasa front seat pala sila at kamusta naman si terd, terd was holding a videocam :) aww..

i was so happy nung show na yun.. at 5pm naman gab and i did the gala. nandun parents ko at ang brgy. sto. nino. hehe

i really had fun sa Cafe Encadre. Thanks to Kuya Xi who wrote the script, Kuya Ryan, the director,who gave me the chance to act, kay Nikki na napagaling na alternate, kay Jonjon at Gabso for being Vince, Mingu who wrote the Ashley song at sa mga nanuod :)

what's new

i miss blogging and everybody's busy for the upcoming play. i'll be posting the details for those interested.

umm.. i've resigned and i did promise that i'll give a tribute post to my ex-employer. eew. parang d.h lang.

him and i celebrated our 2nd anniversary.. hay.. will be posting pictures to. soon. hehehe

yun lang. would like to know that i am still alive. well, barely.

i was blog-hopping awhile ago anf i came across Goddess' site at naalala ko lang....

meron kasing matandang mama na albularyo-slash-manghihilot na pumunta sa bahay namin. una keber lang ako pero nung lumapit sa kin si mama at nagsabing...

mama: kakausapin ka raw nung manghihilot...
kai:...

manghi: alam mo iha,may third eye ka..
kai: ?!
manghi: makakatulong yan para sayo.. makikita mo ang mga pangyayari na mangyayari pa lang..
kai: po?
manghi: kunyari may aksidente, maiiwasan mo yon dahil may magbubulong sa'yo..
kai: po???
manghi: sa kwarto mo nga lagi kang may kasama..
kai: ma...!!
manghi: bubuksan natin ang third-eye mo..

at syempre hindi ako pumayag. nak ng tokwa nasigawan nga ako ng nanay ko dahil talagang takot na takot ako.. PLEHHSSS... i do believe in all that engkanto-multo-maligno-diwata belief pero PLEHS.. let me believe in them without ACTUALLY SEEING THEM.. let me acknowledge their presence in tehir ABSENCE.. PLEHS...

at babalik pa siya... wag na sana niyang maalala na may itch siya to open my third-eye...

october 18-20: Operasyong Pamilya.

top 20 thingymabobbies of OP

1. CONGRATULATIONS! napurga ako sa word na toh!
2. Gigantic black ant.
3. salagubang planet
4. LAMBANOOOOOOOOOG.
5. Lambanog+Ate Camille
6. Lovers. :) Love you guys! :)
7. RASSSSSH!!
8. The SENSES!
9. Taeng IMMUNITY IDOL.
10. I survived Brylle+Jmee+Kuya Diegy
11. TRUST!
12. ang mic na cordless ni ate madz
13. the SOPHIES CHEER!!
14. si randy at raymart santiago.. peste.
15. si joesie at kung bakit marami siya chocolates
16. ang insect-infested pool
17. ng nashock ang pagkatao ko nung may "nalaglag sa pool"
18. ng sumigaw si buddy cathleen ng "aray."
19. ng malimutang mag-flush ni...
20. ang ulo ni mariz :s

ano pa ba? ewan. hehehe had fun. and bruises too. nyahaha! keber. :)

at lalo ko lang namiss ang camera ko... :(

resigning

"... kelan ka papasok?"

-oic for team macro doers

shit. it has been a week since i went to work. school has been so damn busy, promise. hindi naman ako nagloloko. and now they're asking when will i go back to work.. i will tonight. and i will be passing my resignation letter, again...

si mama at papa na nagsabi.

hay..

here i go again...

the aLAMAT is over. thanks for all those people who watched our play.
special thanks to my Don Bosco audience, uhh.. 3 pieces. :) kay restie, vj and he-whom-i forgot.

rare species ang mga kababaihan sa DON BOSCO, and TEATRONG BUSCO will have an AUDITION on Saturday, Oct. 14, those interested to act sa isang comedy play, do inform me... :)

lets help other theater orgs. para sa kinabukasan ng kabataan. weh??

haay. i feel beautiful tonight.. hmm.. sarap pa lang maligo ng hindi nagmamadali..
wala lang ako masabi.

perfect timing

perfect timing.

the play was rescheduled so we had a play last wednesday. SARAP. almost full house, kahit short notice lang. GO CAPTIVE!!

and because of the UST game that'll be held on thursday, classes were suspended... pero at the end of the day, classes got suspended kasi may bagyo.

perfect timing.

presenting, MILENIO.

ANG HANGIN NIYA PARE! grabe. i was at home, ofcourse and grabe talaga ang LAKAS NG HANGIN! Good thing our roof is still intact, as well as our bonsai mango tree. yun nga lang, BAHA sa loob ng bahay namin. pero,

perfect timing

kasi naglinis ang baranggay tanod ng mga kanal, kung hindi nila ginawa yun, hindi lang hanggang tuhod ang tubig sa loob ng bahay namin.

perfect timing

kasi dumating si joy to help me put my things to safety.

perfect timing

when the flood subsided, terd called and said na tutulong daw siya maglimas ng tubig sa bahay namin.

sarap. he went here and helped sa household chores with mama and my titos, tinuruan maglaro tatay ko sa computer, yes may kuryente kagad kami.. nice.

perfect timing

sana.. kaso, when he was about to go home na, nag-away pa kami..

PERFECT TIMING TALAGA.
-----------

sa araneta, september 30, 2006:

ONE FOR UST!! GO USTE!!!! PANALO KAMI!!

late

jheng and i celebrated our birthday last night at gerry's grill, libis. at dahil galante si jheng nilibre niya kami. hehe ate dinner and saw NINA. yeah the "soul siren" aasarin ko sana ng "KYLA!!" kaso i got chicken. hehe and then at 11pm my mom fetched me.

----gimmick over----

nah. had a little debate and they said they'll come back after 2 hours. kamusta naman diba? we had dinner at around 9 and then my mom comes strolling in to fetch me at 11? rar. good thing papa was at my side. and then..

i was a virgin at blue onion.

hahaha. literally. blue onion was so foreign to me. so alien. LOSER KAI LOSER. hahaha everybody had their first time anyway, and i had mine last night. i was with jheng, mika, katpottie, anoter kat, leslie and terd. kala ko nga hindi nanaman ako papapasukin parang sa da vinci code, kung haharangin man ako, i have my I.D and BIRTH CERTIFICATE. bwahahahaha!! well, thanks to my stress studded face, i looked 30-something last night.

danced. dirty danced. danced. danced. drinked. danced. and sweated like a PIG. sarap!it was almost like the perfect gift i had, RELEASE. a place to release all that drama. :) happy. joy.joy.

at dahil first timer nga ako sa blue o, (yikee... close?) nashock ako sa 5 ghetto na kalalakihan na ginigilingan si girl.. actually minanmanan namin sila ghetto guys, and they signalled some kemes dun sa girl na halata namang a signal to mate.. uhh.. sex.. o baka imbento lang namin yun? hehehe

sayaw ulit!
*hingal*hingal*

then nagtext na nga ang royal family at about 2:45am. last two minutes daw. ok. went back sa car ni jheng, got my things. nakisabay sa min si terd, papaunta siya cubao pauwing bulacan.. bid goodbye kay terd. then had breakfast at around 3:45am, went home at 4am.

at na late sa LTS...
sobrang late, sabay upo, sabay take ng test, ng biglang.....

"SINO SI MISS THERESE DOCOT?!!"
*kai raises hand*
*iling*iling*



KEBER!!!

SICK AND TIRED!!!!

Penguin, Penguin...LIPAD!

"Every March, since the beginning of time, the Emperors begin a quest to find the perfect mate. But this is no ordinary courtship. It begins with a long journey through a vast labyrinth of ice--- one that will force them to trudge through an entire continent by foot, in freezing cold temperatures, through perilous waters. They will risk starvation and predatory attacks, under merciless climates, all to find true love..."

-Penguin, Penguin Paano Ka Ginawa

PDI, Chick Flick (Reyes & Cuenca-Dario, 2006)

it seems that the penguin destined for me got stuck beneath thick inches of ice and never came on time to meet me, that made another peguin pretend he was the one for me... a relatively nearer penguin that pretended he crossed vast valleys of ice to get to me, that he fought with non-existent mammoths to see me, FOOL---but turned out to be living just around the icy corners of the cold continent. who just waited a few seconds to spill all the lies he had practiced just a few moments ago.

the penguin i have right now, assumed we could be together forever, he himself predicted that. he told me he wanted two baby penguins. STUPID PENGUIN couldn't even last a day without hurting me...

and he continues to.

if he's the penguin for me, i hope he changes.

if not,

i hope the real penguin will rescue me.

if there really is an Emperor willing to love a fool like me...

"minsan ko lang naramdaman na natakot kang ikaw ay aking iwanan.."

GAGO!

magulo

Sophomore Slump Or Comeback Of The Year

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're the therapists pumping through your speakers
Delivering just what you need
We're well read and poised
We're the best boys
We're the chemists who've found the formula
To make your heart swell and burst
No matter what they say, don't believe a word

Cause I'll keep singing this lie if you'll keep believing it
I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light

We're traveled like gypsies
Only with worse luck and far less gold
We're the kids you used to love
But then we grew old
We're the lifers here till the bitter end
Condemned from the start
Ashamed of the way
The songs and the words own the beating of our hearts

Cause I'll keep singing this lie
I'll keep singing this lie

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light
There's a drug in the thermostat to warm the room up
And there's another around to help us bend your trust
I've got a sunset in my veins
And I need to take a pill to make this town feel okay

The best part of "Believe" is the "Lie",
I hope you sing along and you steal a line
I need to keep you like this in my mind
So give in or just give up
[x2]

Are we growing up or just going down?

Are we growing up or just going down?
It's just a matter of time until we're all found out
Take our tears and put them on ice
Cause I swear I'd burn this city down to show you the light
-----
it's too early to stop birthday celebrations...
i just want to be happy.....
my family just wants to be happy...

i cried at sir brillo's class

i was early for his class today. well, that's a record. but what happened was actually another tick to the tally of my endless drama files.

he has this activity wherein you'll share infront of the whole class what "passion" are you feeling right now. since i was absent for what it seems like forever i had to do it solo. so i went infront and said that the passion i am feeling right now is mixture of hate-love-hope.

i told everyone about the bullshit my family's going through and the moment i said "family" i began crying. sure they were laughing because i too was laughing at myself but, really.. i was so emotional at that moment that i wasn't able to hold back my kadramahan:

"feeling ko po kasi hindi umiikot yung gulong ng buhay namain. it's like we're stuck below. and i hate all those people na niloloko ang parents ko. i thought my parents have a lot of friends and my parents helped these people all the time. uutang sila. at aabot ng thousand thousand. pero nung kami na yung nangangailangan at maniningil na kami wala na sila. mababait naman parents ko. i wanted so much to hate them and revenge for my parents pero i told myself that i was not brought up to be that way. all i can do is to love my parents and to help them in everyway i can, that's why i'm working. and now i am trading my sorrows kay God. and leaving it all up to Him. and i'm hoping things will be better..."

ayun. iyak ako. abot si chessa ng tissue. salamat nga pala chessa. :) at nihug naman ako ni aldryn, thanks :)

i woud just have to cling on to prayers..and just hope things will be better...

i want a HAPPY birthday and a MERRY Christmas... :)

some late posts

i was cleaning up my desktop and found these old files.. well.. actually they are posts that were left to oblivion, so i am posting it now...

nagdadrama,

kai

080706
yes, i dug his grave. and tried to bury everything that has to do with him. i did. i buried all the pictures, the memories, the laughter, every trace of tear that i shed i buried it 6feet below.

but i forgot to bury the medium of how we met.

and it carried out the words i miss hearing from him.

he said he stil loves me....

hurriedly i took my shovel and dug in again. tried to recover everything, revive everything i threw in that pit. i recovered the words i kept on telling him all over, the places we used to go, though i wasn't able to recover the pictures, it was okay, we will have plenty of those again, i recovered the concert we went to, the dancing and walking marathons we do, gladly i was able to get it all out of that void. and while i was about to walk away and share all of these with with him again, i found my heart at the bottom of the grave...

bruised from all the things i threw down that earth. almost blue and black from all the stampede of memories i threw, typhoon of tears.. i forgot that i tried to bury my heart so that i could forget you..

it is so hard for me to leave you, so i dug your grave and thought maybe these are treasures i have to recover....

but people made me think otherwise..

i love you...

they're making me learn how to unlove you..

YOU are making me learn how to unlove you..

081306

maybe people remain to be stupid because they are afraid of dettachments. gautama buddha said, that life is suffering. and suffereing is brought by attachments. and that is why people suffer, becasue they can't move on, they can't let go.

they are afraid to move on empty handed, holding nothing but hands are bleeding from letting that grip go. they are afraid to move on with no fingers laced to their hands, they are afraid to hitch another ride to soul searching, perhaps, partner searching.

i know i am not the most reliable source to seek some horrid romantic views. but i can say that i felt that ghost everybody's been talking about. i felt it in it's truest form, and i have also tasted it's bitterness. i have been through fake and teenybopper relationship, and a relationship that i no longer know why i kept on staying but for one reason, i am afraid to let go.
-------------------------

sa salamin

tingnan mo nga sarili mo
at ang mata mong mugto
wala ng mababatid kundi,
nakakaawa ka.

kutis mo'y hindi na tulad ng dati
ganda mo'y kupas na,
napabayaan mo iyong sarili.
nakakaawa ka.

saksi ang iyong mga pingi
sa isang libo't higit
pang mga luhang tulo ay panay
iyak na walang humpay.

tingnan mo iyong labi
tuyo at tigang
parang lupang sabik
sa tunay na tamis ng halik

nakakaawa ka,
ang buhok mo, leeg mo, noo mo.
na pinapahalik sa kanya---di mo matawag na ginoo.

nagmamahal ng buong buo at sa katotohanay hubad,
ngunit sa totoo lang nagpapagamit sa isang huwad.
tingnan mo sarili mo,
ramdam ko iyong siphayo
isa kang puta.
nakakaawa ka...

090306
i was reviewing for my finance exam tomorrow. and i unconciously doodled a "love me" in bold letters.. i can't remember why i wrote it. but it just slipped off of me.

"love me"

all i ever wanted was to be loved. by you. you've become a constant blood streaming down my veins. a constant air that i take in. and just like what sigmund freud proposed, you are a freudian slip that i can't hold longer..

i want you.

i know you want me too. sometimes...

hindi mo ko masisising hindi magisip ng ganun.
sabi nga ng isang makata.

"once you know you cannot not know again..."

minsan ko ng naramdaman yun. minsan na kong nasaktan sa pagkakataong iyon. hindi mo ko masisisi na wag mag-isip. sana naintindihan mo muna bakit ako nagkaganun.

hindi mo pa kasi naramdaan ang pakiramdam na pinagmukhang tanga.

kung ikinahiya mo ko sa pagkakataong iyon, sige. isipin mo, isipin niyo ang gusto ninyo.

kasi hindi niyo naman yata kayang pakiramdaman ang mga naramdaman, nararamdaman, at mararamdaman ko pa sa mali niyong paghuhusga...

"once you know, you cannot not know again.."


"ikaw ang nagbibigay ng dahilan para hindi kita pagkatiwalaan"- the weddding

LIAR!!!LIAR!!!LIAR!!!LIAR!!!

too oftenly "minsan"

minsan aalis ka na lang,
magpapakalayulayo.
magiisip.

at minsan naiisip ko,
wala siguro akong karaparan masaktan..
hindi dapat ako magreklamo,
hindi dapat umangal,
kasi daw ganito daw kapag nagmamahal.

minsan naisip kong umiyak,
wag pigilin ang luha,
pero minsan..
tutulo ito ng kusa.
ng walang kalabanlaban.
sa isang saglit na kung tawagin ay,
minsan.

minsan,
hindi ko na talaga maintindihan
ang ibig sabihin ng salitang pagmamahalan...

pero minsan babalik ka naman.
babalik na parang walang nangyari,
parang walang pusong nasaktan,
parang walang matang luhaan.

kasi minsan,
wala kang karapatang masaktan...
hindi nila dapat malaman,
na nasasaktan ka rin kahit minsan...

scared

i wasn't able to sleep soundly last night. well it's not even night, it was about quarter to one when i hit the sack, but still i couldn't put myself to sleep. i did something stupid at work. now i'm really scared of what might happen to the customer and what might happen to me. God, i might be expelled! or o.a lang ako. basta all i know is that i'm really scared and did i mentioned that i am REALLY SCARED.

i have a report in english on tuesday, a paper on monday and i couldn't drag myself to work on it because my mind is so preoccupied with stupid thoughts of mys stupid acts.

scarrry... :s


before i die, i want all of you guys to know that i love you very much..

if they kick me out of the company. ayos lang. but if the customer decides to have a press release about that and shut txu energy, oh my GOD i'm in DEEP trouble!

o.a

pero i am really scared and the possibilities are endless! kai, gusto lang ni customer iadjust yung due date ng bill niya and what did you do? you REMOVED her from the convenience pay plan!! waaaaahhh!! she would call in again to adjust the due date, she told me that, oh God i wish she'll be ok.. :(

tc nick says, "...moving forward..." when somebody make mistakes. guess what.

I CANNOT MOVE FORWARD!!! well i never moved forward anyway.

i'm praying...

Let GO, Let GOD, MOVE ON!

scarrrrrryyyy...

--------
gab: BOBO!! (sabay masterlock)
mingu: nakakahiya ka!!
marlon: NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BLEH!! :p
angge: -_-
eiv: ^_^ haha
star: hahahahaha! *yakap*
jon: ayos lang yun... *ngiti*
jmee: uhh..
wowowee: DALLAS TEXAS?.. *tugstugs*sayaw* MAG BERDE KA NA!!!!
ehji: uhh..
abbie: yung ballpen ko???? *iyak*
-------
have you watched A Very Long Engagement? wherein the lady kept on placing bets with fate? for example, if this potato peel doesn't break, he'll come back, if i reach the curve first before the jeep, he'll come back and so on...

i just did one awhile ago, i said if the answer is green in pera o bayong then i'll be punished. guess what,

the answer is green.

i'm about to shed tears of red... :'( waaaah...

ewan ko ba. hindi ko talaga alam paano sisimulan ang post na ito. hindi ko alam saan magsisimula kasi hindi ko rin alam kung matatapos ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.. pero isa lang ang alam ko, hindi ako masaya...

nakakapagod.
talagang pagod na pagod na ako...
pero pinipili ko pa ring tumuloy.
pinipilit pa ring kumapit...
pinipilit ko pa ring unawain
ang hindi na kayang arukin.
nakakapagod....

JINXED

once upon a time Gab said:

"there something in kai nakakaltokkaltok"

and then there was Marcso:

"ang weird mo kai..."

weird daw becasue of all the people, the billions of worthless people, it is me that the world picks on. and that jinx happens every single day of my life. LRT security guards shout at me, prohibit me to do things that others can do (ex: sit on the floor) i get caught for the most trivial things, while others can do INDECENT AND WAY TOO EXPLICIT ACTS but still remains to me uncaught! maybe i am weird. ok. i can take that. but please, spare my family. .not my parents, please...

lumelevel up na kasi ang jinx ko. hindi na security guards, MMDA na. and what happened is the suckiest of all suckers. mama and papa fetched me at about 1:30am sa market market. we got a bit confused when we came near the area of kapasigan but we went straight ahead. then this fat policeman stopped us. COUNTERFLOWING DAW. meaning we went the wrong direction, meaning the street was ONE WAY. and he asked for my mother's license. POTAH. mom lost her wallet a month ago, with all her ids, atms, credit cards and all adn yes her license. mom made an excuse, she left it at home, sa wheelchair ni papa. ang bobong pulis pinabababa si papa, TANGA, GAGO! so this icky policeman motioned to remove our plate, mom started crying, i was about to cry too when i remembered that our car was not yet registered for 2006. tangina. MALAS. the policeman noticed that too at nadagdagan ang putang problema namin. papa was imploring, mama was crying and i was holding my noisy dog, yes, NEMO na pinaginitan din ng baboy na pulis.

the policeman kept on sayong "o ano na gagawin natin?" i had a hint that this fat species is asking for a KOTONG. he had been repeating that devious phrase for 3 times! and then he asked us to go down our car kasi iiimpound na. GAGO! paano uuwi tatay ko ng WALANG WHEELCHAIR BOBO!!

we can't actually fight because they have a verys strong ground! reckless driving (COUNTERFLOW DAW) no license, unregistered vehicle. potah. BINGO ang mga hinayupak! no choice but to give them my last money-- P600.00.

MAGIC.

they went away with a smile on their face. with a "ingat na lang kayo ma'am sa pagmamaneho!" when mom asked "saan po kami dadaan? kasi oneway to?"

alam niyo ba sinabi ng mga puta?

"Sige directcho lang po kayo, hindi one way toh!"

PUTAAAAANG INA KAYOOOOOOO!!!!!!

*excuse my kind words*

Asshumera

Eto yung akala mo yun yun pero hindi pala.

Eto yung akala mo higit dun, pero hindi pala.

Akala mo tama ka, hindi pala.

Asshumera

mali ang iyong inaakala.

it has been days. and i have a lot to write about, well actually, to whine about.
but it has been days that i end up deleting everything i wrote.
i've been screening too much.


it's killing everything.
censorship did.






well, just an update.


i've been bombarded with so many problems lately. friends. (oo naman apektado ako) and family.. i find myself crying over things i originally have no responsibility with, but i still cry and feel responsible for it. magulo. basta. i know i'm learning. i know i am....


yun lang muna.


a vague post for a very vague weirrld.



"ikaw ang mag-aadjust sa mundo, hindi ang mundo ang mag-aadjust para sa'yo"

you and i should learn to learn that.

just saw Jon's blog.

haay..

and got inspired.

i'll be changing this blog soon..




hahaha

((palusot wala lang ako maisulat e. hehe))

there was something i forgot to bury...

my cellphone.


my hands voluntarily texted the.. corpse.
the corpse replied.








my bad.

"Laging naniniwala

Hindi nagsasawa

Nahilo sa gayuma

Kaya nawawala

Laging umaasa

Paulit-ulit lang naman

Pinapaikot ka, ahh

Walang kadaladala

Napapatulala

Walang kadaladala

Naghihintay sa wala

Nilumot na ang lupa

Wala pa ring tiyak

Napagod na ang luha

Di na makaiyak

Sana ay matauhan

Pusong nakabitin

Kalimutan mo na siya't

Ako ang pansinin, ahh"

-Sanwich's Walang Kadaladala

an ode to death

i pick up a shovel and dig earth after earth. i'm digging your grave now. and i hope and pray that i can bury every inch of you. bury every inch of us...

this will be the pit where i will throw all the laughter and all of the tears that i shed and shared with you. this dirt will eat all the fun times i spent with you. all those monday afternoons that you would irritatingly arrive late to pick me up at the legarda station. those wednesday nights that we'd talk about the latest scoop till the wee hours in the morning. and those friday afternoons that we'll have lunch all in the same place, chowking. those saturdays where we'll spend the whole day walking and wishing we were rich enough to have coffee at starbucks. the hell, let starbucks be in this grave too.

let toitoi and poipoi be in this grave with the millions of pictures we took. sadly, but yes, even the picture we took with mr. vulcaseal mascot. i'll tear those pictures to tiny pieces, tear it exactly the way you tore my heart. this grave will have all those photos. this grave will have the memories of your face.

i'm digging this earth to bury San Miguel Babad's summer concert. i'll be digging big to fit all the moshpit posers you protected me from. the slamming, the jumping, the kissing and hugging we made, i'll make sure it all goes down there.

i'll let the LRT and MRT come down this grave. megamall, gateway, galleria, the movie houses we went to, let them all be six feet under the ground, these places will just remind me of you... let suncellular go too, it has always been the crap it was. you were the only reason i stayed in that lousy network anyway..

i'll cover this grave with your flesh. sprinkle this earth with your blood. i'll throw you flowers, don't worry. and this post will serve as your eulogy. i'll let the whole world know, that even though you were fucking useless an up to no good fat-plus-pride, i enjoyed all the times we had...

but this grave will not have all the lessons you taught me. from how to stand with one foot forward in an LRT or MRT, to standing in my own two feet and be independent. from trying to be strong to punch you hard on the arms, to be strong enough to pick up a shovel and bury our memories....

this grave will have you in it. this grave will have all the memories of US. this grave will have the dates novermber 25 and december 7 on it. this grave will have all our phonecalls, our text messages, our corny jokes, the silly dances we made on public places, the polluted jeepney rides, the 711 tambay moments, let this grave have EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOU...








so let this grave take my heart too...

the bobo series

i cannot say that i am sad, but neither am i happy. i do not feel lonely but still a void is stinging somewhere. just like the john mayer song goes, "i feel so alone with everybody". irony, paradox and all the exaggerations of speech and literature, its everywhere, its in me. its hunting me.

you sail a boat away from an island. slowly the island gets smaller as you row your boat. and then it fades, and then its gone. that was how philosophy described how we treat the issues of our lives. and in this case, it seems that i can run away from your memory, i can sail my boat as far as i can, as far as i could stretch. keep my self busy over things that i know are just intended to keep you off my mind, i could fool myself and go on with rowing, but i cannot deny the fact that you are still a something in my life, a someone in my life. i cannot deny that you are still there. i know you are, but miles are keeping us apart as i keep on pushing myself away from you... and you pushing me away...

i don't want to run away. i don't want to sail away. i hope the waves would lead me back to you. those waves as consistently inconsistent like this own lifetime we share.

i hope the waves will sail me back to you....

and there's not much room in this world for my mistakes

it's quite funny how i can ignore that thing i did to you.
i still am not crying, well that's a record!
have i finally learned to be strong??

or have i officially turned numb?

oops. a tear just fell. you late devil you. it feels good to cry, though. it makes me feel im still human, that i still can feel a single stab, that i still get bruised with a thousandfold of pains.. it's good. sometimes...

oops. another tear fell. well, im human after all. designed to commit mistakes of a lifetime. and i am not so sure that the world can still accomodate my mistakes and leave room for me to make up for it. leave room for improvement. the world is so fed up with my stupid irresponsible mistakes. i know.

will the world ever forgive me?...

will he ever forgive me.

there's no other word but sorry.

"sorry na,
saan ka pupunta?
please naman..
'wag kang mawawala...
kapag ako ay iwan mo,
mamamatay ako,
pagkat hawak mo sa iyong
kamay ang puso ko.."

hindi ko alam kung masyado ko ng ninanamnam ang pagiging tanga. o di kaya kailangan ko ng mag-audition para sa december prod kasi napaka-effective ng pag-dideliver ko ng lines.

baka.

kaya ayun, inabot nanaman ako ng KISAPMATA. nawala ka nanaman sa isang kisapmata. ay, hindi pala, nawala ka kasi napakaLAKI kong gago. hindi ko alam kung paanong panunuyo gagwin ko sa'yo. liligawan ba kita? pagsisilbihan ba kita? ewan. wala na sigurong paraan para bumalik ka.. ngayon pang...

ewan.

minsan sa sobrang pagiging tanga ko, nahihiya na kong ikwento. kaya hindi ko na lang isusulat.

"mahal kita,
sobrang mahal kita..
wala na kong pwedeng sabihin pang iba,
kundi SORRY TALAGA,
HINDI KO SINASADYA,
talagang sobrang mahal kita,
'wag kang mawawala..
sorry na....."


maybe, just maybe...
then again,
maybe NOT.

i'm in for a spin..

let it not be true

that i am losing you.

let it not be real

that you're changing the way you feel

please let it not be true

that i am left with nothing to do.

but to wish and long for you

and smitten that let this not be true.

Sure, That's Ok- TC Fish

i am such a fickle minded--umm..--moron.

-=at work=-
((nag-mmsn kasi walang calls))

jj: mag-reresign ka ba talaga?
kai: oo e. :(
jj: is there no way to stop you?
kai: a different sked i guess..
leo: bakit parang ayaw mo umalis si kai
jj: kasi.. isa pang mawawala sa 'tin, nababawasan pagkatao ko..
leo: so ibig mo sabihin kapag nagresign kaming lahat, hindi ka na tao??

hahahaha

nah. i really love these guys. that made me think again if i am really resigning.. i know, i know, kada has been telling me to RESIGN. a lot of my classmates think i'm suicidal and therefore should resign..

but, there were some instances that made me think that losing this job is actually losing an oppurtunity. Kuya Richard was right, well, the Banker was right, proper timing is needed..

TIME. stupid you. you are a STAGE MANAGER by profession. you are a juggler of time. all you need to do is MANAGE it. so i came up with the following schedule:

fri- 7pm-3am
sat-7pm-3am
sun-7-11pm
-------------
total: 20 hrs <-- the minimum requirement for a part-timer

i won't miss classes. i won't miss lunch with kada. won't miss G.As.
well...

i texted TC Fish. and asked him if its ok that i'll withdraw my resignation and have a different schedule, the one mentioned above. and he replied:

"Sure, that's ok."

but he would still ask the command department about my sched.

is this THE SIGN??

haha wait lang natatawa ako sa sarili ko...

hmm.. if hindi ako papayagan with that sched edi resign si gaga.
pero if papayagan, then i'll give it another shot.

15

july 14, 2006. kai finally resigned.

went to work with a resignation letter in hand. logged in just in time, had about 20+ calls, system broke down, had another set of calls then TC Fish came to me and said:

TC: Kai, I asked them about your resignation, you are still required to work for 15 days more...

---world stopped spinning---

ok. so that's it. i have to fulfill 15 days more of agony, indecent sleep. 15 more days of running through the walkways of ust to at least catch my second subject.. 15 more days... 15, 000 irate customers for 15 days of work.

think possitive.

it's not 15 days more, it's 15 days left..

God did spoke to Ambergris.
God do have some plans in mind perhaps.

I'm just shaking the heavens to give me enough strength to get through these,
"15 days left."

of resignation and willie revillame

Dear Sir,

I, ((my name here)), a Customer Interaction Associate, submits my notice of resignation from Ambergris Solutions, effective July 17, 2006.

My contract of employment requires me to work for fifteen (15) days more upon submission of notice. But I plead your good office to release me at an earlier date because I am having a lot of conflicts with my class schedule. AND I AM REALLY DYING.

Thank you for understanding,

((my name here again))
CGE Part Time Batch 1

----------
That is the best resignation letter one employee will ever pass in her entire life! really GOOD. nyahahaa. just kidding, i have a better letter than what i posted here. my father and i (we work hard!--denver) even fought because the first letter i wrote was, umm.. ugly.

so here goes.. later i'll be passing that letter to my TC Fish <-- yeah that's his name] and i hope he accepts it, i hope the "To:" won't matter, i hope, that they will treat me like their Texan customers, consideration.
---------

WOWOWEE.

last year. (yata) ng naganap ang stampede sa ultra dahil sa first anniversary ng WOWOWEE medyo na irita ako sa program na yan dahil sabi nga ni ma'aam peppin,

"WOWOWEE practices the culture of begging. and begging is a sin."

hmm.. yan din ang pinaniwalaan ko for quite sometime. pero nagawa niyo na bang manuod ng WOWOWEE? well, itong palabas na ito never fails to make me LAUGH REAL HARD and umm.. cry hard too...

dinadagsa sila ng masa, kasi nga naman, easy money talaga, kung kakampi mo ang SWERTE, 'DI tulad KO. -_- ayun, tulad nung napaiyak ako nung sa, ano bang segment yun, yung huhulaan mo yung kanta? ganto yung nangyari...

ale: blah blah andito na ko sa wowowee!!((tawa))
willie: may anak ka na ba?
ale: meron pero walang asawa!((tawa))
willie: bakit?
ale: wala eh. walang trabaho kasi! ((tawa))

teka hindi ko na mataandaan. basta kinwento niya na amm ((yung galing sa bigas na dinododo ng bata)) lang ang iniinum ng anak niya, may pambili na raw siya ng gatas ni baby.

and the next thing that happened was, WHOA.

there were like more than 20 people who "donated-gave-extended" a bill, mapa dollar or peso, to her. and like everybody was crying and.. well, me too. tae. ang galing. bayanihan. bayanihan nga ba o panlilimos?

i dunno, what matters most naman is may gatas na dododoin si baby. ^_^
------------

i miss blogging. obvious ba?

of LBM and Kris Aquino

how do is start posting thee?

hmm.. let me count the ways. i could start by saying that i had LMB that kept me going in and out of my theo class this morning. that made me hurry in finishing my freaking english test and that made me skip Filipino class today..

there. i just started this post with a smelly topic. hehehe

it's thursday today, tomorrow will be friday. and again the world imposes me to resign.

the question is....






is it a DEAL or NO DEAL???

HURRY! ENROLLMENT ON-GOING!!

((please fill out the form and mail to bludox@yahoo.com))

1. Name:
2. Age:
3. Birthday:

cut the crap. let's make it more relationship-specific.

1. Name:
2. Sex/Gender: MALE/ choose: (Bi, Straight, Metrosexual, Multi-sexual)
3. Baog ka ba? Yes or No.
4. Are you a horny-pervert? if yes proceed to #31 if not-so-much, answer #5.
5. How many ex-girlfriendsss?
6. Had FUBUs?How many?if more than one proceed to #31
7. Practiced safe sex with past relationships? (baka may anak ka na pala.)
8. Educational Attainment:
9. Employed? If yes, answer follwing questions. If not proceed to #14
10. How much is your salary?
11. Kaya mo ba ko pag-aralin?
12. Mapapadoktor mo ba ko pag-nagkasakit ako?
13. Mapapagawan mo ba ng bahay mga magulang ko?
14. Magpapakilala ka ba naman sa mga magulang ko??
15. Do you remember anniversaries?If yes proceed to #16, If no proceed to #31
16. Do you give gifts?if yes proceed to #17. if no proceed to #18
17. Price range from what price to what price?
18. How often will you hurt me in a day?
19. Will you love the people , places and things i love?
20. Are you allergic to dogs?if no, proceed to #21, if yes proceed to #31
21. Do you have a nice nape? (batok) attach picture.
22. Do you have good conversation skills?
23. Good grammar?
24. God Fearing?
25. Do you attend mass?
26. Are you even CATHOLIC??
27. What are your likes?
28. Dislikes?
29. Knows how to kiss? If yes, proceed to #30 if no, proceed to #31
30. Will you truly love me?

Requirements:

• Whole Body picture. Preferably with clothes on.
• A close-up picture of your nape (batok)
• Birth Certificate, proving you're human.
• NBI clearance. proving your still HUMAN.
• SSS. and ME, as your beneficiary.
• The Title of your parent's house. The AUTHENTIC copy.
• An essay entitled: "How I Can Make Kai Happy Spiritually, Nutritionally, Educationally, Physically and Sexually"

FAQ.

Q: Where is question number 31?Im kinda getting lost...- posted by hornyguyimyours

A: EXACTLY!!

Si KAI ay isang.... na Girlfriend.

((paunawa: ito'y hindi sa pagbubuhat ng bangko, pero magbubuhat na rin...))

1. MAPAGMAHAL - sabi nga nila, "people need love especially when they don't deserve it." be happy na mahal na mahal kita.
2. MAUNAWAIN-dahil kailangan mo ko, PUPUNTAHAN KITA. kahit saang LUPALOP pa yan.
3. NAGPAPAUTANG-dahil maunawain ako, kahit walang wala rin ako, papautangin kita kasi kailangan MO.
4. NAUUTO-kahit ano, basta IKAW!
5. MAGANDA-walang kokontra.
6. MATALINO- I said so.
7. PASENSYOSA-i can wait for YOU for FREAKIN HOURS!
8. KABARKADA-LIKE. BESTFRIEND-LIKE. NINANG-LIKE. NANAY-LIKE. TEACHER-LIKE. YAYA-LIKE. STAGE MANAGER-LIKE. -i can be anything you please. i can manage different ROLES for you!
9. MADASALIN.
10. at higit sa lahat. TANGA

as usual. i'm stuck here waiting for that someone, who never fails to come late. and sometimes it amuses me how i can withstand waiting, burning seats, or maybe stand-killing my feet just to wait for him.. for hours.. it just amuses me how i can bear all that----and it horrifies me.

there was always a thin line between love and stupidity for me. and i am so brilliant not to know the difference whenever people ask me which is which.

bobo.

i just heard that word for so many times today, and it keeps on ringing in my mind. i'll never get over the fact that people think of me as the most stupid breathing person on the surface of the earth. because i choose to be stupid. and i know how i opt to be stupid all along.

because i refuse not to see that this earth we are in is not actually the world i thought it was. why can't this earth be just as marshmallow-y just like what i want it to be. i love you, you love me, i trust you, you trust me.....







----// bobo.

there are so many things i wish i can blog at this instance but i'm too chaotic to do so. having mental gymnastics every now and then, thinking about so many things i cannot actually understand myself. well, for one, I SUCK. BIGTIME.

i've been having a lot of dillemas now.. should i or shouldn't i...
RESIGN?

i admit i did have a salary more than i expected. it was enough to buy me a new phone i guess, or maybe open a decent bank account or maybe just treat everybody a drinking feast of a lifetime.

but i didn't.
because i shouldn't.

my money went to my daily allowance, my father's medicine, the hospitalization-injection-medicine of my dog nemo, my books, school supplies, shoes and i did help a few family members..

how much was left?

tumatatingting na:

P263.33

i wasn't able to buy myself that techie flash drive. that freaking up dharma down cd. no i wasn't able to buy myself new clothes, wasn't able to treat my friends, no luxury. no vice.

so why am i still wondering where my money went? bobo.

i have to resign. actually it was world imposed.
-kada
-buddy
-close friends
-toitoi
-and finally, parents.

just for the record, I AM VERY TIRED WITH MY LIFE RIGHT NOW.

being stuck in dillemas you cannot actually find a way out. being stuck in mazes i myself know the answer but left with too many options that makes it hard for me to pick the right one.

i am such a whiner.. he once scolded me for being such a cry-baby. i know, i admit. i am really a brat.

GUSTO KO LANG NAMAN TUMULONG.

i want to resign. because i am so tired and sleepy. payat na payat na ko, and i believe any moment i can get hospitalized. i don't want that to happen. but still....

having that job. it could buy me things, help my parents, help my cousins, take care of my dogs, pay the bills or something.

shet. ano to? ulirang kabataan award?

well kai,

"MAKE UP YOUR MIND!!!!"

PAPAITAN (bitter-bitteran)

sabi ni marlon:

"Meron din naman mga taong hindi makaintindi ng maayos

o siguro naman nagpapaka-bobo lamang sila. Pinapahirapan lang nila ang sarili nila. Masyado kasing dakila at maliwanag ang pag-ibig na alam nila, sa sobrang liwanag maari na itong makabulag."

kahapon din inabutan ako ni marlon ng magazine na:

"6 Signs that says when to LET GO"

talaga nga naman..

bobo.

there's something about kai

i'm starting to believe what mr. gabriel mari oblefias told me...

"there's something in you na kakaltok-kaltok!"

and this is how my day started..

left early and about 6 am i was already at the station. fell in line, paid a P14.00 fare to legarda, the guy infront of me dropped a peso pa nga, pinulot ko and i thought maybe i was lucky for today. haha when i reached the platform, i was just in time, entered the car and umupo dun sa gilid so that i can atleast lean and continue my indecent sleep, when suddenly:

"para po sa mga pasahero, tayo po'y lumabas sa tren.salamat"

shrugged it off, it happens all the time naman. so i went back in line so that i could catch the right train, but then again...

"para po sa mga pasahero na nasa platform na, wala po tayong operation mula santolan hanggang katipunan. paumanhin sa abala"

nung una hindi ko pa naintindihan, so i waited for a few minutes, hoping that maybe the train will be right back on the track, but no. ang galing. so i decided to take a jeep to cubao, norbecks texted said that she's stuck in santolan too. great. now there's company, at least!

whoa. if only i could show you the picture na naabutan ko when we left the station.. it's people power+ alay lakad+ the feast of the black nazarene. whoa. tae tae. ANG DAMING TAE.. este.. TAO. saw dianne, now there's three of us stuck in santolan.

waited. till the freaking volume of people would disappear.. then came mark francisco (a new classmate of ours ^_^) which makes 4 people waiting for a miracle..

and then 3hours passed.. and we're stuck.

then we saw a batchmate of mine, muriel, who suggested that we take a pedicab from somewhere to therewhere. we desperately agreed, and while we were walking to that place that will lead us eventually to another dimension, this stupid jeep kundoktor called me, HAD EYE CONTACT WITH ME:

"miss sabit ka na! kapit ka sa 'kin!!"

such an eager freak!! of all the people na tatawagin at gagaguhin, AKO PA?!!

and then thanks to his katutuboness a cab drove by, pinara namin, but muriel was nowhere to be found. tae. we had no choice but to grab the oppurtunity and well.. umm.. leave muriel. tae. kargo de konsensya talaga.

we were 6 in a cab, the four of us + a pregnant lady+a senior citizen of the republic. ok. kawawang mark, naging contortionist for 15minutes.

then we reached cubao station, sweating like pigs, at 9:30am. took the freaking lrt. took a jeep. ran. and was just in time for our LAST CLASS for the DAY.

talk about misadventures.

blah blah had lunch, attended a meeting, cheered for the tigers and went home. took a bus because the lrt's down. bought this coke in can para naman hindi tuyo lalamunan ko...

at sumakay itong si bata at si lola na tumabi sa kin, nginitian ko yung batang lalake. alam niyo ba sinabi?

"akin na lang yan!! (coke) "

sabay hablot sa walang kalaban-laban kong inumin.

pati ba naman BATA??? iniisahan pa ko?! BINUBURAUTAN PA KO?! shyeeet.

at hindi pa dun natapos yun nung bumaba yung bata. namatay ang makina ng bus at hindi na nagstart. so we have to go down at lumipat sa isa pang bus, and guess what nung nakaupo na ko, UMANDAR ANG TAENG BUS! so we have to transfer again. o diba, parang pass-the-passengers game lang. ugh!

kaya naman i'm so afraid to go to work tonight. baka kasi hindi pa dun natatapos ang pang-popower trip ng mundo sa kin. haay...

maybe there' s something in kai na kakaltok-kaltok talaga...

the moon is twice as lonely

i hope that what economists tell us about business cycle is right.
that whenever you reach that point of depression, the point of recovery is just around the corner.
God, let me not be walking in circles.


whatever i do, i feel so depressed. i tend to connect everything i see with metaphors and figures and symbols that all have but one mission to make me cry.

abnormal ba?

i'm sorry but that's how i feel. i tend to empathize about every inch of everythig else. i'm so tired. from all the stress, the work, the responsibility, the insecurities, anxieties..

it's just the 2nd week of classes and i'm so tired about everything else..

"YOU CHOSE THIS BUSY LIFE."

i know. i wanted to help..

it sucks to see your mother cry over a mundanely thing called money.

recap

i totally forgot about the compre exam! i was doing my homework for tomorrow. i should really unlearn to procrastinate. i should be responsible enough na. myself depends on me. weh?

so.. got late for my first class today, but FORTUNATELY si sir brillo ang teacher. nyahahaha come on that prof's always late.. well, for a good cause naman. hehe he went to our class at about 8am, but our class was suppose to start at 7am.. but i still missed his class, gab and i ate sa lovelite kanina e. well anyways..

sabi ni pareng ehji, magbitamina.
-maybe i need centrum
-tska iron supplement ek ek

sabi ni mareng jmee
-sana daw masaya ako...











masaya nga ba ako?

kai not dead... YET.

okay it was the first day of classes.
okay it was the x day of phonelab.
okay i am really in for a spin!

you see i came home last night (?) about 1am, fell asleep around 2? and then woke up at 5am. now tell me, is there something decent there? *sigh*

left for school about 5:45am, good thing mama's supportive (?) enough to bring me to the train station. arrived school just in time to meet with our AD for the recruitment-slash-spoof day. then at about 7:45am i finally entered by room..

blah blah. natsci.finance.marketing. whoa.

and then met up with him at about 12nn, gave him his money.. stayed 'till 1:30pm.
went home, arrived at about 2pm.

watched wowowee. laughed. got pissed.
slept.woke up.ate.took a bath.
and the next thing i know, i'm on my way to work.
will receive a call, be qaed (quality analyzed), get a low score,
cry, go home and feel like a total loser,sleep,
and wake up to continue my life as a student...

i know that i should quit. but, since i started working, i realized a lot of things.

primarily: WE'RE SO POOR.

and it just makes me cry now and then. that i was such a brat all this time. kept on asking for things that i really can get by without, spending money.. tae. napakapulubi pala namin. i want to help. but.. there are some things that i know i can't deal with...

HEALTH.

and no, i won't risk my studies. it's worth P33,000+!


2 of my calls will be qaed today, i'm so scared. tomorrow will be the comprehensive exam, then the passfail day, if i pass. ok. if i don't it's ok.

Lord, i'm leaving my life in your hands....

when will sorrow find its own grave

when will sorrow find it's own grave?

ang sagot ni kaibigang nurse rachel, a newly found friend from ambergris solutions...

rachel: 'pag namatay yung sorrow... kasi diba? mga namamatay lang ang napupunta sa grave?

tae. siya nga naman. sorrow will be delivered to its grave when it dies. if it dies.

so....


DIE NOW!!

DIE!!

a serious post

May 23rd
to: my younger cousin.

i wanted to protect you.

i wanted to save you from all the mishaps of your own making.

i wanted to.

i wanted you to realize all of that,

that i wanted you to change.

that i wanted you to know you were wrong,

and that you should do something about it.

but you never listened to the words that i never said.

you never even tried to decipher what i wanted you to

KNOW.

you never took it seriously.

and you did it again.

caught you red handed, your eyes were eyes of someone i do not know.

eyes of which i fear to see in the wee hours of the morning.

your eyes delivered tears in my eyes.

don't i deserve a little respect?

to be treated like that?

don't i deserve to be respected?

and now i was told to let everybody know.

so i did.

they have to.

and you have to know too.

not to sneak into my room,

in about 2 in the morning.

not to...

no, they don't have to know everything.

though it pains me to be all alone in this,

it'll be between you and me.

read what i am not writing.

hear what i am not saying.

heed what i am not imploring.

we'll leave it that way.

because,

you need respect.

you need love.

especially when you do not actually

deserve it.

from: ate kai

a review of almost everything

DA THE VINCHI CODAH.

i was pretty excited to watch this film, you know, excited to see how they were able to squeeze a full novel to 2 and a half hours.. excited to see how they were able to plot things as mr. dan brown did.. i was having happy thoughts then when this certain voice interrupted my train of thoughts..

the sta. lu peeps : 18 lang po pwede.
kai: i'm 18.
the sta.lu peeps: may i.d ka ba?
kai: i'm 18!! september 21, 1987, hello im turning 19 this september, im employed, incoming second year college of THE university of STO TOMAS!! hello??
the sta.lu peeps: sorry talaga, masyadong kontrobersial ang movie. hindi pwede.
kai: hello?? ikwento ko pa sa inyo yan! (weh? nasa page 24 pa lang ako..) nabasa ko na rin ANGELS and DEMONS, ano ikwento ko?? (hindi mo pa rin tapos, may 3 chapters left pa)

i was so pissed! why?? judging me because of my HEIGHT!! tae. i hate being small! i walked out, called my mother, and gahd, she was laughing, ok pissed me more. so i went back to my father to tell him i going home kasi NATAPAKAN pagkatao ko, when i saw him holding 2 tickets. hehe ok na raw.. magic!

the movie started. ok. the movie's starting. uhh.. ok. nevou was there, langdon, ok. sauniere. ok. yeah. ok. umm.. yeah.

CONTROVERSIAL?
KONTROBERSYAL?

which part? that mary magdalene was the wife of jesus and that they had a child, that was the foregrandeiestmother of this officer nevou who was the "grandaughter" of saunier who was killed by the albino named silas who was under the opus dei faith. ok. that was it. it didn't quite pinned me to my seat. well, i was.. as if i have a choice.

the influx of people were naturally because of man's ultimate pakiki-usi. usiyoso. whatever the spelling may be, it's because people were CURIOUS. and since pinoys are damn too curious about everything else, DA VINCI's earning here. but once the word-of-mouth takes place, bye DA VINCI. i know not everyone was impressed. Tom Hanks admitted that he wasn't at his best in that movie. tsk tsk tsk. guess, ANGELS and DEMONS will not exist if this movie won't even have a break-even profit. gahd. ECO.

ECO's finally over! hahaha and i flunked my finals. yeah yeah yeah. i'll do a tribute post to eco. next time.

well, as for my CCA job. i'm having this info overload. and i'm really not doing that well. last friday we had our call simulation chevers and it really MADE my day. i stuttered. and my locomotor skills were disabled, as well as my thinking ability. grar.. bottom line was, tama ako sa mga ginawa ko pero alam na alam ko naman na tyamba lang yun.. ugh. pissed.

((amoy med building sa bahay namin ngayon, yung smell ng morgue sa med.?)

here i go again...

I see them, and all I feel is insecurity and envy. If only I could be where they are now. If I weren't lazy, procrastinating, and afraid of facing and doing the right things, I could have been like them, people who have the urge of moving their way to do what they have to do. What seems to be wrong? Why am I avoiding the things that I really want to do? When will I finally take that step and not just dare myself to do so? What am I so scared of?

-the somnambulist

was too early for my eco class so i decided to treat myself for a P20 worth of airconditioning, a seat and an hour of internet surfing. i miss blog hopping and went through my kada's blog, and was able to come up to the somnambulist's site.

lately i was just happily going with the flow of everything, be contented where the wind takes me and when i read her posts it dawned on me again. i was actually floating to nowhere...

i was really direction-less.
empty handed.
no mission.
no goal.
no ambition.
no evertyhing.
NOTHING.

francis and i had a talk yesterday. asking how was my first 3 days of training, i said it went ok and here's what he said.

cis: nagulat nga si ate mineh pano ka natanggap dun eh.

see. even my own mother doubts how i was able to get the job (as a trainee). that was really something. and i am still NOTHING.

i have a serious problem with knitting my words when speaking, have a terrible problem with grammar and they're all wondering how i came this far.. i am wondering.

maybe i really have an ambition.

all i ever wanted was to be happy. and to make ALL of YOU happy. i want to make my parents proud. i just want to know ME. and that i CAN do something worthwhile.

...na hindi ako bobo tulad ng iniisip niyo..

zzzzzzzzzz...

1. complete this phrase: "i could have been.." more confident if it weren't for..

2.what is the wallpaper on your cellphone?.. the pig i drew during our personality test, a pig named toitoi! :)

3.did you get enough sleep last night?..hahaha no!

4.first thing you thought about this morning when you woke up?i wish he was hugging me kanina, lamig eh!

5. do u ever wonder why the sky is blue?.. i used to. but then i have a lot of things to attend to.

6. ever tried to skip meals?.. oo naman.

7. grilled or fried?.. fried!

8. what makes you unique from others?.. i'm unpredictable. weh??

9. are you afraid of the dark?.. sometimes.

10. favorite hangout?.. kat's and mingu's house. oogles.

11. people you can't live without?.. family, barx, kada, lahat na!

12. first thing you will buy if given 1 thousand dollars?.. erm.. laptop na rin!

13. favorite song when you're sleepy?.. tummy ache by sugarfree

14. what are you afraid of?.. isolation, snakes and everything else!!

15. are you a giver or taker?.. giver.

6. if you could choose another name for yourself,what would it be?.. hmm.. france?

17. what is your mom's name?..minerva

18. most recent movie that you watched?.. the wild!

19. invisible for a day, what would you do?.. spy on my toitoi.

20. stuck on a desert island & could have only one kind of food for the rest of your life, what would it be?dunkin donuts.

21. favorite tv commercial?.. fita, coke, mcdo, globe.

22.if you were dead and your soul was given another chance, what would you do first?.. say sorry to my parents, kiss them if possible. thank my friends for everything. find my ex and see if he's doing fine. find my current and say everything i want and what he needs to hear.

23. if you could choose your eye color,what color would you like to have?..fine with what i have.

24. what are the things you always bring?.. phone, powder, gloss, money.

25. what did you wanna be when you were a kid?.. a gymnast! hehehe dahil kay pink ranger!

26. what do you usually do when the clock turns 7am?.. ahhhh.. try to wish i was in a different dimension.

27. the color of your bedsheet?..pink?

28. any messages?.. ok lang yan wag lang magdrugs.

week 2

ok. so things are getting worse now. i have to accomplish a lot of things tomorrow and i wonder if i can succesfully do that! here are the list of things i have to shake the heavens for:

• an nbi clearance
• sss something something
• my driver's license
• drug test

and i can't skip class anymore because if i do, dr. lopez will definetely flunk me.

i just realized a lot of things...

argh.

an amateur nocturnal baby

sorry haven't been posting lately. been BUSY for the past few days. and i'm really.. umm.. trying the best i could to keep up.

here's my schedule from now on:

8:00am- i wake up
11:00am- off to school
1:00-3:00pm- the friggin' eco class

then i'll proceed to pasig. sleep for an hour and a half. get dressed.

6:00- leave for market!market!
((never take the company's shuttle becase they'll shut the life off of you))
7:00pm-12:00mn- the whatchamacallit training.
1:00am- time of epected arrival at home
2:00am- expected time of dozing off

and it goes rounf and round....

ugh. life's getting harder. and it will definetly be EXTRA HARDERERESTIEST once school has opened. tae. tae. tae.

need a lot of miracles, prayers, multivitamins and coffee. grrr..

need love. GIVE ME SOME LOVVIN'!! nyahahahahaha!!

got this from a guy who wants FHM's May ish.

001: Real Name
Therese Ma. Francesca

002. Nickname
Kai,Dokito, Kookie, Kakay, Kie, Poipoi

003. Single or taken
taken??

004. Zodiac Sign
Virgo

005. Male or Female
Female

006. Elementary School
St. Paul College, Pasig

007. Ipod
too poor to have one.

008. How many buddies on your list
100+ i think.

009. friendster name:
kai-dox

010. Hair Color
Black

012. Hair Long or Short
long.

014. Eye Color
brownish?

015. Are you health freak .
yeah?

016. Height .
badword.

017. Do you have a crush on someone?
yup. isang taga-cainta.

018. Do you like yourself
-_-

019. Braces?
nope.

020. Think your awesome?
sometimes.

021. Piercings .
yup. one on each ear.

022. Tattoo
nope.

___Your 'Firsts'___

024. Surgery
hmm.. wala pa.

025. First piercing
way back in kinder. sa baranggay hall. libre e.

026. First best friend
hmm. Roy. my rug doll.

027. First Award
nursery. Most Helpful!

028. First Sport You Joined
Track.

029. First pet
Dog. i think it was brownie.

030. First vacation
hmm.. bicol? where our bus turtled and alsmost killed us three..

031. First Concert
hmm. i think it was a gary v. concert my yaya took me there. without the permission nor knowledge of my parents.

032. First love
aww.. si "J" my puppy love. hehehe

___Favorites___

033. Favorite movie
finding nemo.

034. Favorite tv show
7th heaven?

035. Color
Black and Blue

036. Music
sanlibutan. but i prefer OPM rock.

039. Drink
c2 apple. or water.

040. Body part not on the face
shoulders. i have little shoulders, i like it.

041. Cartoon
any.

042. Favorite piece of clothing
tank tops. weh??

043. Brand Of Clothing
artwork?

044. What do you sleep with
pillows

045. Favorite School
hard to decide.

046. Favorite Animal(s)
DOG!

047. Favorite Book
Tuesdays with Morrie. ABNKKBSBPLA ko??

048. Favorite Magazines
FHM. bakit. it can also be For Her Magazine.

___Currently___

049. Eating
nothing.

050. Drinking
water

052. I'm about to
sleep.

053. Listening to
the industrial fan.

055. Waiting For
the end of this survey.

056. Watching
my cursor blink.

057. Wearing
tanktop. and boardshorts.

___Your Future___

058. Want Kids?
i'd love to have. 2.

059. Want to Get Married?
yes.

060. Careers in Mind
a businesswoman. a member of an NGO. a teacher. a wife.

_Which is better with the Opposite Gender

068. Lips or Eyes
Eyes

069. Hugs or Kisses
Hugs.

070. Shorter or Taller
Taller.

072. Romantic or Spontaneous
Spontaneous.

073. Nice stomach or nice arms
arms.

074. Sensitive or Loud
Sensitive.

075. Hook-up or Relationship
relationship.

076. Sweet or Caring
when he's caring he's sweet.

077. Trouble Maker or Hesitant .
neither?

___Have you ever___

078. Kissed a Stranger
no.

079. Drank bubbles
bubbles?!

080. Lost glasses/contacts
YEAH. a jeep ran over it.

081. Ran Away From Home
nope

082. Broken a bone
nope.

083. Got an X-ray
a hundred times.

084. Broken Someone's Heart
yes. i did.

086. Turned Someone Down
yes. can't teach me to love him again. after 10 years?enuf.

087. Cried When Someone Died
CRIED.

088. Cried at school
hahaha yes definitely!

___Do You Believe In___

089. God
YES

090. Miracles
that's why im still alive.

091. Love at first sight
sometimes...

093. Aliens
before..

094. Magic
no. those are illusions.

095. Heaven
yes.

096. Santa Claus
dati. pero i saw my mom sneaking gifts.

097. Sex on the first date
they happen, but not with me.

098. Kissing on the First Date
yeah.

099. Angels
yup.

___Answer Truthfully___

100. Is There someone You Want To be with right now?
ofcourse. YOU.

movie reviews

saturday; M:I-3

was with my dad and we watched tom cruise's M:I-3. whoa. the eeffects were nice and the action scened were really something to drool over that my feet were never on the ground. hehehe i enjoyed it. really.

and i just realized that the action films here in the phillipines are way TOO far from the action films abroad. take for example the explosive cars, the cars that are meant to be exploded, or whatever. basta yung pinapasabog ma car. M:I-3 used a FERRARI. while here in the Philippines, pabulukan ng L300 na van. tsk tsk tsk low budget.

sunday: the wild

i was suppose to attend the interment of my mother's aunt but my goddaughter, (tama ba?) called and reminded me that i have a date with her today. can't burst her bubble so i fetched her and watched Walt Disney's The Wild. it was just like Madagascar, which i happened to watch over at kat's house, these animals dreaming to go to THE wild. well anyways. the film was---CUTE. no other way to describe it but CUTE. "i'm so cuddly, i like you" hehehe

and as usual Walt Disney made me cry again. the story was mainly about a father and son relationship, a LION and his cub. and those who really know me, knows that any fathery film can make me cry. and yes it did.

"i just want you to know that i'm sorry that you didn't have a father like the one i have.."

-Ryan (Cub) to Sam (Lion)

waah!! sinong di iiyak dun?? well anyways...

and speaking of movies...

"I wanna be like those girls in the movies, to have a man so inlove it makes them drop to their knees"- Movies, Ashanti

and i think i just felt like one. he has been unusually sweet lately.. last thursday he arranged a get together here in my house, kat, nikki and him came over. had small talks with my parents, barking marathon with dear nemo, played chess, ate dinner and had tons of pictures.

the next day he told me to go to kat's place and we cooked pancit canton, and.. haay..

and last night till 2am of today, he was so.. NICE. and SWEET and cheesy and mushy.. calling me petnames i'm really not comfortable to hear but it really sound so, so, sweet.

tama na. ang corny na. just can't help but feel, happy...

boracay pictures and more chevers

hehehe at dahil masipag pa ko mag-post aabusuhin ko na rin.. pero in bullet form kasi tinatamad na ko...

DAY 1

• iba ang kaliwa ng mga batangueno sa mga taga-manila.
• kasi niligaw nila kami sa pier.
• flirt ang mga tao sa barko.
• pinicturan-slash-ni-video kami ng isang mamang nagngangalang dante.

na may dalang 5 san mig!

• Nilalagnat ako.

DAY 2

• masarap ang batchoy sa kalibog este kalibo..
• pero maasim ang mukha ng tindera
• Ginto ang computer sa caticlan.
• Rare species ang internet cafe/PC rental sa kalibo
• Pumunta kaming Devas, ay Nabas pala!

DAY 3

• ((ngayon pa lang kami pupunta ng bora))
• it's may 1-----MAKULIMLIM!

• nasirang BIGLA ang camera ko!!
• umulan.. UMULAN!!!!

• sumakay kami sa isang BANKA (yung walang bubong ha?) para sumakay sa mismong sasakyan naming BANKA (yung may bubong na) ng biglang BUMAGYO!!!!! kamusta?? hindi mabalanse yung banka tapos umuulan!!!
• ANG LAKAS NG RAKET!!!
• at may gwapo akong nakilala sa banka (yung may bubong) si ERICH (lalake na kamukha ni chito miranda, a fresh graduate) at si DON na guwapow! hehehe well.. oo na.. hindi talaga ako yung nakipagkilala. si sir erik, yung boss-na-alaga ng nanay ko. tssss...
• umuwi kaming BASANG BASA SA ULAAAAAN!!! and swore never to return to bora evahhh!!!!

DAY 4

• uuwi na raw kami.
• pero ang ganda ng araw kaya joy and i decided to go to bora. hehe
• ng kaming dalawa lang, bwahahahahaha!!!
• nag-almusal ng G.G at noodles kasi MAHAL ang pagkain.

• at nagbabad....

• at umuwi...

BORE-a-KAI

that's how i spell boracay now. boracay's not really that beautiful. sir erik was right, bora was excessively advertised, falsely advertised that is. he met about 23 foreigners and they all said the same thing. they were disappointed, and will not come back to boracay again. and i assume these are the reasons:

1. poor service
2. world class beach??
3. haywired system
4. crazy ports
5. in tagalog--- MALAKAS ANG RACKET!

masyadong mayabang ang boracay. ang liit liit naman ng ipinagmamayabang. kapag hindi yan naagapan sayang, damay buong Pilipinas. nakakalungkot talaga.. lalo na kung pupunta ka ng boracay na SIRA ANG CAMERA!!!!!!!!!!

still bitching nina

its suppose to be nina with an "enye" as in: ninya. but im too bitchy to copy paste the proper character for her name. ugh. i hate it when she flirts with bam!!

nina: love mo ko bam?
bam: diyos ko! sa ganda mong yan!

chever.

hehehe i've been swearing nina's name for the past 3 days. tae. kasi naman tong si bam kamukha ni terd e. tapos bam is also the younger brother of one of my favorite actresses, si dimples romana!! waaah! bam we're meant to be!! let's eradicate nina off the face of the earth! hahaha no wrong laugh *ehem* MWAAHAHAHAHAHA!!! *evil laugh*

tae. and kanina nga pala sa fx na van na pa-tikling. may kano na sasakay din. eh he was so tall and he barely fit beside me. tapos sabi ni manong driver..

manong driver: oh, you don't fit there!
kano: no, it's ok.
md: no, no, no.. umm.. miss (to the girl infront) palit kayo.
kano: i'm ok here.
kai: (taas kilay)

tsk tsk tsk colonial mentality. some special treatment, huh? why not distort your body just like everyone else just to fit into a tiny van?! ok sige, hospitable and all ang mga Pilipino but that was over. hindi nga nag-aagree nanay ko sa pangbibitch ko (weh kai?) pero i still think what the driver did was wrong. good that he was sensitive enough to know the needs of the kano pero para naman mahirapan ang isang kababayan just for the sake of a foreigner? hindi na tama yun!!! hindi!! HINDI!!!!!

IMPERIALISMO IBAGSAK! PUPPET, PASISTA, PAHIRAP SA MASA!!!!
PAPAYAG BA KAYONG.. umm.. ano ulit yung line gab?

cheka.

bitching out

so you think you're hot???

just because you have that long black hair, that sick yellow off-shoulder top with your bra strap showing, just because you're white and with that pasosyal accent, YOU THINK YOU"RE HOT?!! so you could flirt all the guys inside?! and hello?? if you were afraid of dogs you shouldn't have exerted effort struggling to get inside! hello? and hold BAM'S HAND?! and hug the-other-guy-what's-his-name?! eew. i'm really sick of seeing your face! hehehe sabi ni papa maybe i was just insecure that she was prettier than me, duh? malamang. yah she's pretty and she knows it, and that's the ugly part there. yah she's pretty and propbably every guy watching PBB's masterbating their equipment, moaning their way to heaven and hell with nina in their liquid dreams!!

bwahaha! evil.

oh come on nina. stay away from bam!and it freaks me out that a girl like her with a body like that is flirting with terd!! oops.. i mean.. bam. hehe sorry. change topic. change lingo.

huwaran ng kabataan, sa pangunguna ni nina. -doubtful

unang gabi ang topic: sinong cute sa mga boys? ((with her eeky pa-sweet na boses))

sick.

isa pa tong si "orig ng davao"?

well.. i think she should exert more effort to prove her being "orig ng davao'. sabi dun kasi sa vtr niya, she was so kikay before so that she'll blend into the crowd, to fit in, kaso she realized that everyone was so piratedso she went against the flow. and that gave her that title, 'orig" ng davao (nga ba?) becasue as i see it. she's just so like the others. making pakikay and speaking like ganito and that she's so like maarte and her voice is parang like ipis.

poser!

poser. haha. ako nga rin yun. while i was proclaiming to the world na i was moving on. i am

still not even a step away from the spot where he left me. i'm still hoping nad waiting for him to come back. actually, call him and wait till he asks for us to go out. the night where the teen pbb came out, well technically "came in", i texted terd..

flashback.

hi. nood ka pbb.kamukha mo si bam.
whatever.
sorry, was just trying to strike up a conversation.
i know.
i miss you.
ako din.
why do you push me away?
because i'm stupid.
that line again.
yes.
...
...
...
kita tayo bukas.
what time?
1.
ok.
....
i love you.
i love you too.

the next day


serious talk attempt number 1

papunta sa bahay ni bestfriend.

tanong.
ano?
may nililigwan ka ba?
wala. bakit sa tingin mo?
meron.
ba't mo naman nasabi?
kasi---waaaaaaaaahh!!
poi!!


((muntik ng masagasaan ng tricycle))

ng makaligtas sa tricycle

tanong
ano?
sino na ako sa buhay mo?
ikaw si kai..
...
ang special chevver ng buhay ko.
...

((nakarating na sa gate nila bestfriend))

pauwi galing sa bahay nila bestfriend

tanong.
ano?
masaya ka ba?
oo.
bakit mo ko iniwanan?
kasi gagabihin ka na...
ano?!
...
bwahahahahaha!!!

((nasira ang momentum sa kabihingan niya))

juana tanga

malalim...
nalaglag na ko dyan dati.
nakalulula,
madalim,
nakatatakot.

ayoko ng bumalik dyan,
ayoko ng malaglag ulit..

saan ako pupunta?

eto nga't,
patitihulog ulit ako.

idedemo ko lang sa inyo
kung pano maging tanga..

[[no one is really worthless, you can always set as a bad example.]]

have mercy

woke up at about 4:00 am. drank chocolate, took a bath and made our way to marilao, bulacan. it's the divine mercy feast today and we annualy visit that place. that place.

bulacan.

i was psychologically tortured with thought of me, being in, "that place", bulacan. the home town of that person i cannot let go of, that person i couldn't stop thinking about.. yah. pathetic.

again, i attempted a conversation with him, looked desperate and got ignored by him for the upteenth time.

like what the god of stoicism say... it sucks.

like what i've mentioned today is the feast of God's mercy, that we should all completely trust in him. let go and let God..

letting go is very hard for me... to think that i've fallen deeply in love with the same person who's deeply hating me right now...

maybe i should really let go... no, i should really let go now..

i just have one wish.. and that's to see him again.. for the last time, i know i the last time i told myself that it would be the last time was not really the last time, but THIS TIME, i know it will be.

for the past few days

for the past few days, nothing reallt interesting happened. except that i was suppose to go to bora during the weekend, but to my dismay ( i wish there was a graver term for dismay) our trip was postponed for at least 10 years...

for the past few days, so there gab, avery and i had our eco classes with dr. lopez and learned that miss estacio was too busy working out sa gym and that prof. bong lo is still a virgin. yeah. that's what he taught us..

and also for the past few days i have been thinking of him endlessly.. and it sucks so much that i am being ignored by him...

and also for the past few days my childhood love's been texting me and doing me favors. he asked if we can bring back the "thing" we had back then. tae. ba't ko ba sinasabi toh?

[[ i know you'll never be mine again...
i just wish to spend my last,
very, last time with you...
i'm really missing you so bad...]]