080706
yes, i dug his grave. and tried to bury everything that has to do with him. i did. i buried all the pictures, the memories, the laughter, every trace of tear that i shed i buried it 6feet below.
but i forgot to bury the medium of how we met.
and it carried out the words i miss hearing from him.
he said he stil loves me....
hurriedly i took my shovel and dug in again. tried to recover everything, revive everything i threw in that pit. i recovered the words i kept on telling him all over, the places we used to go, though i wasn't able to recover the pictures, it was okay, we will have plenty of those again, i recovered the concert we went to, the dancing and walking marathons we do, gladly i was able to get it all out of that void. and while i was about to walk away and share all of these with with him again, i found my heart at the bottom of the grave...
bruised from all the things i threw down that earth. almost blue and black from all the stampede of memories i threw, typhoon of tears.. i forgot that i tried to bury my heart so that i could forget you..
it is so hard for me to leave you, so i dug your grave and thought maybe these are treasures i have to recover....
but people made me think otherwise..
i love you...
they're making me learn how to unlove you..
YOU are making me learn how to unlove you..
081306
maybe people remain to be stupid because they are afraid of dettachments. gautama buddha said, that life is suffering. and suffereing is brought by attachments. and that is why people suffer, becasue they can't move on, they can't let go.
they are afraid to move on empty handed, holding nothing but hands are bleeding from letting that grip go. they are afraid to move on with no fingers laced to their hands, they are afraid to hitch another ride to soul searching, perhaps, partner searching.
i know i am not the most reliable source to seek some horrid romantic views. but i can say that i felt that ghost everybody's been talking about. i felt it in it's truest form, and i have also tasted it's bitterness. i have been through fake and teenybopper relationship, and a relationship that i no longer know why i kept on staying but for one reason, i am afraid to let go.
-------------------------
sa salamin
tingnan mo nga sarili mo
at ang mata mong mugto
wala ng mababatid kundi,
nakakaawa ka.
kutis mo'y hindi na tulad ng dati
ganda mo'y kupas na,
napabayaan mo iyong sarili.
nakakaawa ka.
saksi ang iyong mga pingi
sa isang libo't higit
pang mga luhang tulo ay panay
iyak na walang humpay.
tingnan mo iyong labi
tuyo at tigang
parang lupang sabik
sa tunay na tamis ng halik
nakakaawa ka,
ang buhok mo, leeg mo, noo mo.
na pinapahalik sa kanya---di mo matawag na ginoo.
nagmamahal ng buong buo at sa katotohanay hubad,
ngunit sa totoo lang nagpapagamit sa isang huwad.
tingnan mo sarili mo,
ramdam ko iyong siphayo
isa kang puta.
nakakaawa ka...
090306
i was reviewing for my finance exam tomorrow. and i unconciously doodled a "love me" in bold letters.. i can't remember why i wrote it. but it just slipped off of me.
"love me"
all i ever wanted was to be loved. by you. you've become a constant blood streaming down my veins. a constant air that i take in. and just like what sigmund freud proposed, you are a freudian slip that i can't hold longer..
i want you.
i know you want me too. sometimes...
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