my life ended when it begun

maybe i believed too much in superstitions..

i woke up today, fixed my bed because i have this belief that if i fic my bed right before i put my foot down my day will be fine and dandy. i religiously followed that everyday of my life and it screwed up today, the superstition didn't work this time.

i went to school with a pounding heart, my parents were going to quiapo and decided to take the lrt with me but some things happened that i have to leave them at the station, i felt guilty about it and assumed a bad karma on my way, and it did.

the thing was i failed economics today. today it was confirmed that i had no chance of getting a lowly grade of 3 from her, that professor. i know very well that i prepared for this day, that i will no longer cry when i see my grade, but i just couldn't take the environement i was in awhile ago. people were shouting, they were all rejoicing and what was i doing? i was crying.. i was crying so hard as if my tears can prick my stone hearted professor.. my perfect professor..

my grades were absolutely fine if she didn't flunk me. i have an uno in my major subject.. and the lowest grade i have was 2.5. i was proud and thanked God that i was able to pull my Philo grades up from a prelim grade of 69 i managed to have a 95 in my finals. it was just that this eco subject was an eyesore to my boastful grades...

but.. on second thought. though she was one of the people i abhorred in my life, because i know that i have given my very best, i was kissing her ass all the time, being active and all, but she didn't accounted anything for me to pass.. she was one of those people whom i have sacrificed things just to please, but i wasn't appreciated in any way.. but.. i'm teaching myself right now, that instead of hating her, them, instead of cussing their name, i'll be praying for her, for them.. and be taking all of these as a challange... i'll be strong... i will be...

"my life ended when it begun.."

i was happy for one moment and sad for another..
my buddy hugged and gave me a peck on the cheek today, and i found out that he was keeping all the text messages i sent him before.. all the things he did and said today was that big something that made me happy today... i felt loved.. i felt appreciated...

thank you buddy and loveyou po..

papa jheng.. what?

last night was a total pain for me. we went to the Marikina Riverbanks waited, walked as my bestfriends shouted directions over the phone. after so and so minutes we found out that we were in the wrong place! shit. my mom and yes my dad too was really really mad at me for wasting gas, it was sooo late already and they were hungry and it was official, we were lost. we actully should go to a place they call: Marikina RiverPARK P-A-R-K and not River B-A-N-K ok?

so there we finally saw what nikki was talking about the "River Booze" which mama kept on reading as "River Booosh" hehe and after 5 laps of driving in circles, asking tuod security guards and fat guys i finally heard my two friends! argh! i was so pissed but my annoyance was gone when i saw what landmark kat was telling me about, the girl with the perky boobs. hehe here's a pic.

my bestfriend kat jammed with the resident band at papa jhengs.. este.. papajeks.. she sang "i don't wanna wait" and yup nikki and i were the proudest bestfriends on earth. hehe

there was a dresscode:

mini skirts.

and by the way. if you guys will ever try papajeks, warning: guys think waiting for girls in the washroom is a hot idea. yun yung uso don. trust me, trust US!

the notebook

i found a reason to cry in public. i went to the video shop today and rented some cds. first i watched kutcher's a lot like love, it was funny and romantic and it was just funny that they end up seeing each other after they had their break-ups with their lovers. fubu?nah.. hehe next was the notebook. i was so great and figured out that that Noah was the young Hercules! the one from abs-cbn's tagalized episodes? yah. yummy! well.. here's the cheesy part..

watching the notebook brought me to rivers of tears! i was crying ugly! with loud sobs and all, my heart was so heavy after watching it and my eyes are really swollen. i was crying way too much that i found myself crying over trivial things, i was crying not because of the movie, i was crying because of my own pain in the ass life. that was really stupid. i know.

i was crying because nobody is inlove with me.... okay that was pathetic. delete.

i was crying because i feel so lost, so lost with everybody. hearing people talk about their love, their lost and regained love, thier forever love their heated passion. i hate seeing lovers so inlove because i always try to fit into their shoes and find that it was not really for me. i drown myself with saddistic music and movies, trying to help myself realize that i should get a damn life, try to move on try to get up, leave and be strong, be absolutely strong!

i was crying because it was such a good movie. such a great love story that i will keep on searching,searching on something that i know i will never have..

wrong send

"hi"


Sender:
aDit_piGgy
+63922xxxxxxx

Sent:
07:46:29pm
10.20.2005

natuwa naman si gaga kasi nagtext na siya.

"Hi.."

Recipient:
aDit_piGgy
+63922xxxxxxx

Sent:
07:51:00pm
10.20.2005

......................

after 10 years hindi pa rin siya nagrereply. nagkakaroon tuloy ako ng masamang kutob na na-wrong send lang siya.. na wala talaga siyang plano na kausapin ako for the next 10 years...

"hindi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo" is still echoing in my mind...

torned.

pfft.
umuulan.. and i am so bored to death. i woke up about 8 am, i ate breakfast and slept again. i woke up, ate lunch and fortunately i took a bath, and started blogging. well as for tht title.. i want my blog to be hot as hell. i want a good skin!! not that i want a new balat i want a good skin for my blog. and i am also torned between using tagalog or using english as my lingo here in blogger.

change won't hurt once in a while so there will be some changes here in my site.
1. i will not.. well..

di ko na lang pala sasabihin.

talkshit.

hehe

"hindi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo.."

well, i had fun today. we hang out at kat's place. we watched a movie with her family and had comical hirits once in a while. you were so funny tonight, and as we were walking, making our way home, your arms were around me, whispering that you love me and you gave me a kiss..

this fairy tale day ended up with a tragic finn. we took a jeepney home, i payed the fare and sat close beside you.. you didn't talk, didn't move, did nothing but stare somewhere. my phone beeped and i read a text message from you that said:

"hindi lahat ng gusto mo nakukuha mo.."

what happened was that i assumed that you want to take me home. you want to spend my going-home ride with me. us, together. i assumed that you wanted that and it turned out that you really want to go home.. maybe i was too insensitive to feel that. and for that i am really sorry.. i could've understand it if you said that you have to go home already, problem was you said no single word.

i tried to hold your hand, i hugged you, i wrapped my arms around you and you removed it.

i felt like shit.

i feel like shit.

i bleed. and so does everybody.

a post by edge dated back in 092605

"i cry yet again.. breaking my path that i would never shed another tear... i couldn't help it...

when will i be truly happy?"

when will i be truly happy? i love, and i get burned to ashes. am i not really worth anything at all? a stone amidst the sea of jewels. i am nothing. you bring me insecurities with your insensitivity and though i am suffering from all these aches you bring i still find myself redundantly in love with you...

why?

may mga bagay na hindi naituro ang artistang artlets sa akin..

sa dinami dami ng workshops na pinagdaanan namin, sa dinami dami ng mga characterization na ginagawa namin, kahit kailan hindi ko naturuan ang sarili ko na magbagong anyo, magkunyaring matapang, magkuyaring malakas, magkunyaring hindi nasasaktan sa mga ginagawa mo..

sa teatro kailangan pagrampa mo sa entablado, ibang katauhan ka na dapat, may ibang ugali, ibang mannerisms, ibang tao ka na. kaya ko naman yun, nagampanan ko na yun dati, kayang kaya naman. pero bakit pagkaharap kita ako at ako pa rin ang nasaharapan mo? yung mahina, yung iyakin, yung walang ibang ginawa kundi magmakaawa sa atensyon mo?

hindi ko malagyan ng maskara ang mukha ko para hindi mo makitang umiiyak ako, lumuluha tuwing sinasabihan mo ng mga talaga namang masasakit na bagay. hindi ko makundisyon ang sarili ko na kunin ang katauhan ng isang malakas at matapang na babae. babaeng hindi paaapi sa isang lalake. sinusubukan ko pero bakit parang walang nagyayari? hindi nga talaga natuturuang umarte ang puso. leche, virgong virgo pa man din ang signos ko. isang sentimental, ulol na mangingibig. isang baliw.

totoong may mga bagay na hindi naituro ang artistang artlets sa akin, maski ako hindi ko maturuan ang sarili ko na may mga bagay na hindi na sakop ng pag-arte, hindi kayang pekein, hindi kayang palamutian ng mga matatalinhagang linya, hindi kayang takpan ng make-up ang malungkot kong mukha sa tuwing nagkukunyaring kaya kong mabuhay sa pagbabalewala mo....

listahan ng kailangang gawin ng isang taong mangangahas na magmamahal sa akin.

kailan ko kaya maririnig sayo na mahal na mahal mo ko? kailan ko kaya maririnig na salamat sa lahat pinaligaya mo ako? kailan ko kaya mararamdaman yung tunay na init ng yakap mula sayo? kailan ko kaya mararanasang matulog ng hindi mo tinutulugan? kailan ba kita mahahalikan na ako lang ang laman ng isip mo? kaialan kita makakausap na ako lang ang pagtutuonan ng atensyon mo?kailan?...

kailan mo kaya gagalangin ang desisyon ko? kailan mo kaya bibigyang importansya ang mga araw na importante para sa akin? kailan mo kaya ako yayakapin sa tuwing nilalamig ako, natatakot at naglalambing? kailan mo kaya pakikinggan ang mga iyak ko? kailan?...

kailan mo kaya ako ihahatid sa bahay? kailan ka kaya kakatok sa gate namin na may dalang putingmga rosas? kailan ka kaya makikipaglaro ng chess sa papa ko? makikipaglaro sa aso ko? ipagdadrive ang nanay ko? kailan ka magpapakilala sa magulang ko at sasabihing mahal na mahal ko po ang anak ninyo?

kailan kaya tayo magsisimbang dalawa?kailan ko kaya makikilala ang mga kaibigan mo? makakwentuhan ang mga kapatid mo? matulungan sa kusina ang nanay mo?kailan mo kaya ako ipapakilala sa tatay mo?


kailan ko kaya mararamdaman ang pagmamahal na higit pa sa halik at yakap?
kailan kaya ako iiyak ng hindi na ikaw ang dahilan?

you are about to see the unseen me

here again i write
the saddest lines i could think of
these are the times that i just couldn't see
why you can never love me.
we are together
so close
and inches apart
your breath i take in
your kisses i drown in
but your soul so far away
my chest so close to your heart
but your love is in a distant land
somewhere i dare to go
somewhere i dream to see
somewhere...
somewhere that i can never be ...

a place you hold for someone else
your love i can never touch.

can't my kisses reach your heart
can't my hands touch your soul?
what more do i have to give?
for you not to leave me?
for you to share my dreams with?
for you to stay..
for you to stay and love me
love me more than i could ever offer you?

am i that difficult to love?
don't you believe me when i say that i am giving you all the love i have?
all the passion burning inside me?
are you not really convinced when i say,
that i love you
and that i really do?
that i did all the crazy things to have you beside me
to have you beside me
to have you beside me....

i wanted so much to let you know
that i will never let you go
that i will bear all the pain
that i will bear all the aches
the bruises, the stitches, the burns..
to have you beside me.

have i told you that i will never leave?
for as long as you say that you love me.
as long as you say that you need me,
as long as your words are reaching me,
then i will not leave.
words..
words..
i depend my life on words you say
slap myself with the words you say
and overwhelm myself with the sweetest of lies you have in store for me
words, that's all you got.
i rarely feel the "i love you"s that i hear
the "i need you"s
i love you
but i'm not happy anymore
but everytime you ask me,
i give in to you much much more.
i can't understand the lies i am in,
i lie even to myself.
telling me that still can fight this sadness.
this depression.
i'm lying to everyone i know..
i've turned indifferent to everyone i know,
just to love you.
just to love you,
just to love every inch of you...

and what do i get?

























exactly.