i celebrated new year inside the bathroom, crying.

I was watching My Sassy Girl, wala lang, killing time, counting down ‘till 2006. Just when I was getting kilig and all, my mom yelled at me and said that I should be getting ready na because it’ s new year. Then she shouted hysterically with things like “ANG TANDA TANDA MO NA 18 KA NA KAILANGAN KA PA BANG PAGSABIHAN!!!” First I thought I can handle it AA-Style, internalizing and convincing myself that I can shake it off and smile.. but I ended up inside my room again to cry harder. I felt like a total shit that night. I couldn’t stop myself from crying... I was humiliated.. and to think that it was suppose to be a night of celebration.. taon taon na lang.. every feast.. my mom and I would fight about the most trivial things that would lead her to yank me about grave issues... I was so sick and tired of all those drama! Yes, suicidal. Poser. Then my mother came in... scolded me with her repetitive homilies and sermons and paranoid thoughts... She gave a litany from marriage, AA, my ex-boyfriend to Me wishing she was dead. BULLSHIT! That’s what I hate about her! She always thinks that I wish she would die. Wishing she were dead. That‘s BULL!! PUTA! “NAKAKAIRITA KA!! KALA MO KASI LAHAT NG INIISIP MO TAMA!!” I screamed back. Tangina kasi.. Pakiramdam ko tuloy sa mga sinabi niya na napakasama kong anak. Tangina. Di lang nila alam. Magsalita man ako, sinasagot ko daw sila. Wag ako magsalita, napakamalihim ko raw. Umiyak ako, wala na raw ba kong ibang gawin, bakit hindi raw ako mag-reason out instead of crying. And it goes round and round. She finally went out. And I spent my new year inside the bathroom. 12:00 midnight, I was alone. They were watching fireworks. I was watching myself cry in front of the mirror. They were all merry making. And I was wishing I was dead.

I changed clothes. Preparing myself to sleep. She came in again and told me to stop with my sentimientos. God. As much as I want to stay inside and hide my red nose and red eyes from everyone, I would also want my mom to stop yelling. So I went out. And be perfectly humiliated. This is Kai at 18.

Happy New Year to me.

The “celebration” came to an end at about 2:00am. I went inside my room and cried myself to sleep. Then at 5:00am my mother opened the door, laid beside me and cried. She was saying sorry over and over again... telling me na “madami lang kasi akong kinakatakutan... hindi ako nakatulog ng magdamag... napakasama kong ina... I’m sorry...” I hugged my mom. Sometimes you just gotta hate her, and sometimes you’ll love her.

Happy New Year to me.