dead ode

i do not know where to start...
how do i deal with these shits you bring?
how can i tell you that i want it over now?
but how can i tell you to stay?
i want you out of me,
i want you gone.
but each time i think of leaving
i think of you too.. and the pathetic things we share..
will i not be free from love's disgusting ironies?
i wish i can stop thinking of you..
so that my hands will stop writing dead odes about you.

new pictures.

si aira at ako at ang mga salamin namin..

ng nangarag kami the day before ng pasahan ng proj sa lit..
si cheka.. wala lang.

bad omen

from this day forth anything that'll break (glass, porcelien..) will be a BAD OMEN.

anyways..

what happened? well.. Sister Luisa passed away.. and i quote:

"Sr. M. Luisa, now that you could sing and dance your magnificat before God's throne, invoke in his consolation for your sisters here, still dazed by your definitive departure"- Sr. Paola Mancini

"... for those who have experienced her jovial spirit. with this character she manifested that gospel of "littleness" which enabled her to enjoy life and treat the sisters with delicateness.."

well. i was crying but that was a place where it's taboo to cry...

May you rest in peace, dear Sister Luisa..

PIKON NAKU!

PIKON NAKU!
Spoof lyrics by: Tippie-chan (that's me! //^___^\\ )
(A spoof of PINOY AKO, Pinoy Big Brother theme, sung by Orange and
Lemons)

I.
Lahat tayo'y mayroong pagkakahibang
Sa sindak palang ay makikita na
Iba't ibang kaguluhan
Ngunit walang patutunguhan

II.
Away at pagmamaktol ang hobby mo
Pagbibigay ng palaka sa guro
Ahas mong inaalaga
Hay! Sino ka bang talaga?

Chorus:
Pikon, ikaw ay pikon
Ipakita sa pikon
Ang kalokohan mo
Ibang-iba ang pikon
Sila'y kakatakot
Hibang mga pikon
Pikon naku, Pikon talo!

III.
Pakita mo ang kulay ng sinumpa
Mayroong nahampas at may napango
Wala na ngang perpekto
Tapos mukha pa'y kulubot
Owoo...

Repeat II
Repeat chorus

Bridge:
Talagang ganyan sa hukay
Dapat may nakaratay
Walang mangayayari
Kung laging nakikilamay
Ihanda na ang iyong sarili
At baka sa iyo'y may mangyari
Kundi lagi ang iipisin
Punenarya mo rin

Repeat chorus

thinking way too much. i think?

secret lang natin to ha.. pero meron talaga akong mga taong iniidulo na hindi pangkaraniwan. tulad na lang ng mga taong ito:

1. yung mga videoke king and queens
- sila yung mga taong o.a kung o.a as in performance level -concert level kung kumanta sa mga malls or beerhouses.
-minsan mapapaisip ka na lang bakit ang lakas lakas ng loob nilang kumanta in public.. noh?

2. yung mga nag-ppreach na mga tao. yung mga bagba-bible reading sa:
a. malls, sa benches ng mga malls
b. yung sa mga intersection ng mga kalsada
c. yung bigla na lang sasakay ng jeep at babasahan ka ng bible

wala lang. kanina kasi pagsakay ko sa jeep may mamang sumakay at nagppreach ng gospel. yes, weird. pero isipin mo nalang yung guts nung tao to do all those. diba amazing? hmm..

gawin ko kaya yun?

----------------//

nga pala kanina ate gie called sa bahay. and told papa about sr. louisa.

she passed away...

when i heard the news naiyak ako. may mga funny memories kasi ako with sr. louisa. napakabait niya, nilibre pa nga niya ko ng bag sa girbaud. kaw ba naman makakita ng madre sa girbaud diba nakakatuwa.kanina lang pinag-iisipan ko ng ipaayos yung bag na yun kasi nasira ni mama.. tapos yun pala...

nga pala, nagshopping pa kami dati ng sapatos niya.. at higit sa lahat isa siya sa madreng sumagip sa buhay ko. she was one of the many sisters in divine mercy chapel/ congregation who prayed for my recovery nung unti unti na kong pinapatay ng dengue. and i will never forget her.

Lord please bless our beloved Sister Louisa.
We'll miss her...
please whisper our "I Love You's" to her..

yoohoo.self?where are you?

i'm almost done reading bob ong's newest book. and i think i hear voices bribing me to write. i miss writing. my blog's not enough. (shit wait lang may katabi ako dito sa netopia na nakakairita na. english ng english)

speaking of, sa tingin ko i have to change my language dito sa blog ko. i think, ibig kong sabihin, parang gusto ko na lang magsulat sa tagalog. pero minsan kasi parang trying hard ako mag-tagalog, minsan trying hard mag-english.. wag na lang kaya ako magsalita?? hmm.. hindi naman siguro pwede yun noh? hindi ko kakayanin..

gusto ko magsulat. tae kasi tong si bob ong, nabubuhay nanaman yung depressed writer na nilibing ko sa sarili ko. minsan kasi pakiramdam ko hindi ako yung taong tipong may specialty. tang ina, parang jack of all trades, and a master of none. minsan sabihin man ng iba na ok yun, parang napakaloser pa rin ng dating. hmm.. versatile. a flop versatile.

at habang hindi pa ko nakakapagdecide sa tunay na landas na tatahakin ng blog ko eh magkukwento na lang muna ko ng mga katarantaduhan na nangyari sa araw ko. pagtapos ng exam, nagsorry na ko kay kaibigang mingu. ok naman na kami ulit. ito namang si pareng gab, may something kanina na hindi ko naman nalaman kung ano ang dahilan.. sad.

balik sa katabi ko dito sa netopia:
may ka VOICECHAT siya na kano yata or something. and i'm really PISSED NA! woohoo.. tae.

KKKK:Kalunuslunusang Kamalasmalasang Katangahan ni Kai

since i'm too lazy to tell every shit that happened, here's gel and i's conversation.

gel_wuteverr: docotita!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
bludox: yes pasing?+
gel_wuteverr: docotita!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
gel_wuteverr: how are you?
bludox: erm. undergoin one helluva life.
bludox: syet.
gel_wuteverr: why's that so?
bludox: let me count the ways:
bludox: 1. about 6am: nagulungan ng jeep ang glasses ko.warak.
bludox: 2.tae ang exam ko sa geo at sociology na rin
bludox: 3. nag-away kami i mean nagalit sa kin ang bstfrnd ko sa skul
bludox: 4.nasa LRT, walang gustong magbarya ng pera ko
gel_wuteverr: oh my
gel_wuteverr: oh no.
bludox:5.nagaabang pa ko ng kamalasan
gel_wuteverr: i'm sorry to hear that
gel_wuteverr: those pla
bludox: everything sucks right now.

everything sucks.. because of all the stupid things i do.
WHEN WILL BAD LUCK EVER FIND ITS OWN KARMA????

minutes of blog hopping

i've been blog hopping while waiting for this someone. and i think i find myself confused. thinking maybe this is blasphemy, sacrilege or something. hmm.. because i saw these pictures:

but i love this one: :p hehehe

so well anyways. today was the first round of our preliminary exams. and my, did i hate myself!i was studying and all that last night but yeah watched the mummy returns and yes, enteng kabisote, bakit ba?? and so what happened was i was so stupid not to be able to recall that fucking WRIGHT! the writer/researcher of our last reading! gahd! did it suck! and the theo exam was easy, i didn't have a hard time answering it, cause i DIDN'T ANSWER IT! bwaahahah! not that it's blank.. well.. you know what i mean.. shit.

so what else?

woohooo. stainless longganisa!!!

woohoo! bobong fans.. i mean.. bob ong fans! out na ang book niya! i hope mas maganda to sa alamat ng gubat. hmm...
and it's called *dyandyararan* STAINLESS LONGGANISA! whattever that means.. gonna buy it.

astigmatism

here i am in ever gotesco. the world's greatest mall.echos! hehehe and waiting for my dear eyeglasses.. i have to wear one now. and as for the frame, i picked the black frame. yea. the one in which they say that i look like a congresswoman. hehe great. so well anyways. what else. it's jay and tita mai's birthday today.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TITA MAI AND JAY!!

and gaddam me i'm not through reviewing and im really lazy to start reviewing!
good luck to me and let the world eat me up!

go ahead world hate me!!

today was that first general assembly i attended for the year 2006. saw buddy at last. well anyways i went to school wearing a non-ab uniform. what i meant was that i was wearing a white blouse alright, a white polo because i ran out of uniforms to wear and i find it so disgusting to repeat a dirt colored blouse. so there. that was how my day started. next was that when i came home my mom kept on punching with these "ANG BOBO" mo naman instructions. what do i mean? let me count the ways..

BOBO ni KAI 1

mama: o gawin mo to. (nothing follows)
kai: pano to?
mama: basta gawin mo yan!
kai: huh? isang page lang ba or ihahalf?
mama: ano ba yan! simpleng instruction hindi mo masunod!

----uhh. binigyan mo ba ko ng instruction in the first place??----

BOBO ni KAI 2
(sa mall)

mama: o dalhin mo yan sa mr. quikie ipaayos mo.
kai: (bitbit ang bag at sapatos na sira)
mama: mgpasukat ka na rin ng salamin mo.
kai: asan na pera (for the bag,shoes and glasses)
mama: ano?? diba sabi ko sayo wala na ko pera!di ka ba makaintindi??

-----uhh. di ba sabi mo?...ano.. ha??---------

and then this guy friend of mine text me. so blah blah blah and all and then he said goodnight. wala lang. i was so pissed coz itetext nya lang ako, you know initiating a conversation, na by the way i would love to do because it has been a long time since we last talked, tapos all of a sudden he'll say goodnight?? argh!!! and now nag-away na kami!!! GO AHEAD WORLD EAT ME UP!!!!

anyways. you know my ex? i acquired his astigmatism shit? yah. and for that i have to wear glasses from now on. at wala nga raw pera si mama, right kai??

that mr. pe guy gives one helluvan headache!

while my aching head keeps on bitching my whole body, i'm going to tell you why i feel so unpretty..

it was tuesday. p.e day. where, by the way i wasn't allowed to take the exam because i do not have the official class number pinned on my back. blah blahs and so we just practiced all day.

this was the issue, since in a table, 2 players can only play, we do rotation so that everybody could have their turn. everytime my turn to play with mr. p.e guy comes, he suddenly gives his racket to somebody else. so kebs lang muna ko. i just shake it off and play with his proxy. but then that became so frequent already!that it became so insulting! so when i told jmee about this she started laughing and said that maybe i was just being so paranoid. well. so we went back to our table and this was the next thing that happened:

jmee and i: o game game..
patrick: wala na kong kalaro
jmee: (pushes kai) o si kai, kai, kai!
patrick: ...patrick: tinatamad na ko...

Instinctively jmee and i went to the corner and started laughing hysterically! hahaha tangina kasi! but yeah in the back of my mind i was really feeling so so so insecure.. and that's the story of my poll.. "Pangit ba ko?"

and so today naman. on the way home, jmee opened the topic of maybe, either, mr. p.e guy likes me too. (wish ko lang) or that i gave mr. p.e guy the reason to ignore me or feel awkward towards me. i asked like what?like how? like when i told him daw na he has a pimple on his nape.

ah ok.

my bad.

the things that happened.die.

poll. to be answered. everybody reading this shit is required to answer...


"Pangit ba ko?"

our sosyal MD moment

si mingu kasi may problem sa script niya. sabi niya medyo kulang pa so what we did was to observe quiapo up close and personal. and so today, the 8th of january 2006, we went to QUIAPO! hehehe exposed ourselves to all that dirt, pollution and all. saw porn pirated cds in all its lesbian chever actions! hehehe so there and the funniest thing we did was, nagpahula si mingu! hehehe and i will tell you the things na hinulaan kay mingu in bulleted form:

• may problema ka sa pera ano?- kamusta ka naman? mingu???
• (nung tinanong kung magbabati pa sila ng kuya niya) oo naman, 3-4 days magbabati na kayo! - hahaha 1 year na silang hindi nag-uusap ng kuya niya kaya!
• (nung tinanong about kung matatapos niya yung tinatrabaho niya tonight) oo naman, kung tatrabahuin mo. ('_')

hindi ko na maalala yung iba, mind you, every sentence nga pala ni manang mangjujula e nakadugtong ang word na: "diba?!"take note. isang "?" at "!" yan. hehe na kahit hindi naman talaga e mapapasagot ka ng. "ah..opo" kasi kung hindi ka sumagot e baka kalmutin ka niya. isa pa sa mga nakakatawang ginagawa ni manang e nagbabalasa siya ng card, nilalatag niya, pinapapili niya si mingu ng so and so cards tapos hindi naman niya binabasa yung picture. it appeared to be scripted, promise! nakakainis na nakakatawa talaga! so then after the panghuhula, we interviewed manang about her life. sumasagot naman siya ng matino. medyo. nung tinanong namin kung paano pinagaaralan ang panghuhula, eto sabi niya:

manang: alam mo, wala naman talagang pinagaaralan dito. psychology lang. babasahin mo lang yung tao. yun lang...

mingu: po? e bakit may baraha pa kayo?

manang: ehh.. gabay na rin to. pero babasahin mo lang talaga yung tao.

bwahahaha binuko niya ang sarili niya! so after namin makipaglokohan kay manang eh. nakipaglokohan naman kami sa camera man ng abs-cbn tapos dun sa gwakangnang-gagong-abnormal-na-hayop-lecheng-puta na pulis..tapos pumasok kami sa simbahan at nagdasal..

so umuwi na kami, may nakita kaming nagiihaw ng pusit so bumili kami. woooh. ang sarap! after that we went sa gateway at nakipagsosyalan sa coffee bean at naloka sa pagpaplano ng script ni mingu.. hayy..

this day was tiring. but it was okay. it was an M.D moment! (Mingu Dokito) haha! monday nanaman, i have to face my day tomorrow as an AA member, performing as a staff of the Captive External. God help me please..

i can smell prelims coming through... die.

sa gateway

hmm.. yesterday everybody was itching to watch a movie. tae lang talaga. there were so many things that happened that kept on delaying our gimmick. but in the end natuloy din naman... kaso bad trip because we were so promdi not to know that oo nga pala na in watching a movie in gateway kailangan nandun ka in time for the screening hour. hehe ang promdi talaga nakakatawa so what we did was nag-coffee. sa starbucks. the irony men. hehe

anyhoo.. all the outdoor seats were taken eh itong mga kasama ko e medyo hayok na mag hits. so we brace ourselves and entered starbucks' pugon. evil. but God was so nice that He gave us a seat outside din naman.. hehehe what was surprising though was i sawkimmy! damn that iPod, napagod ako screaming her name!

so dahil hindi kami nakanuod ng movie, we spent the whole time talking bout what, sex, napkins, defining virginity and things like those. and did i mention sino sino kami? me, angge, j-mee, norbs and gab. hahaha poor gab. surrounded by desperate virgins. hahaha

well what else.. wala naman.. yun lang pala. hehehe

ang babaeng nangarap ng gising, ang babaeng namumuhay ng mag-isa

i learn a lot in literature, promise! like what we discussed a while ago in sir ferdie's class. ang babaeng nangangarap ng gising by rio alma talked about why women day dream and how, again, stupid men are. i learned a lot today like, the three parts of the human mind by freud . first the conscious, the pre-conscious (i think) and the unconscious. the conscious mind dictates oneself what norm we should follow, what we should say and not say, what we should think and not think about and anything that we surpress goes down to the third part of the mind, the unconscious. these surpressed emotions, actions and words come out when we dream. those things that were forbidden to us are tangible in our dream, we dream as a form of escape, an escape from the painful reality. that's why we day dream. we dream of something that we wish to have but cannot, or just continue wishing on something that's taking way too long to come to us. that shit thing called true love, maybe. because we ladies are always confined to/with waiting! we women are other-centered that we would just have to wait for what's left for us, wait for him to come by, wait for him to realize his mistakes, wait for his move, wait, wait, wait!

next.

ang babaeng namumuhay nng mag-isa by joy c. barrios, it was all about how women/ female are just wo's and fe's without men/ male. that women are incomplete without men. that women are just mere objects, sexual objects, properties to be used and abused. and it was also about being sngle, beiong alone, that in this society being single is a curse and society has it's own haunting way to punish the single. this is how our culture wounds women who takes over their body their life, those who were brave enough to decide for herself despite the patriarchal environment we live in.

haay.. i love our lesson today. i can so very relate to it. men talaga tanga!

and angge shared what she learned in lit today, from i forgot the name of their prof, that one should never listen to other people because they will destroy the real you. do not take in anything that they say bad about you, so what? that's you and you alone.. changing your authentic you will change you and will be called the bad you. the one who conceals herslef with pretentious masks.

my inconsistency.

i went to national bookstore yesterday and read books and look what i got:

"Desire, Plato tells us, can be only for what we do not posess because, since, desire is the desire to posess, once we posess something, we can no longer desire for it."

- Michael Schwartz

"Since at every moment in our lives, we all have one foot in a fairy tale and the other in the abyss..."- Paulo Coelho, 11 Minutes

The first one maybe is the reason why crushes don't work out to be good partners.

The second is why we end up surveying the people we should love as contestants of a beauty pageant.

well i guess i'm just really confused with everything else. hmm.. he has a big problem. he told me that it was so big that he broke his family's trust that led him to *sad music insert here* stow away.. yes. he did and for 3 nights already he's been comforting himself inside this, erm.. inn. i do not know what to do, i called him and he was still that usual clown laughing about anything and everything about the world, pretending not to care. and that hurt me so much.. ayokong makita siya ng ganoon. i cannot do anything to help, he won't allow me to. i do not even know what the problem was. i wanted to talk with his siblings but FUCK that HOLD-UPPER again because he stole my phone with the sim with the numbers of his siblings!....... yes, i do still laugh. i still talk and scream and joke and fool around, but in the back of my mind, i'm praying for him to be safe...

"sensya n h?wg u ko
msydong cpin...k lng
me..."

Sent:
08:03:25am
01.04.2006

"u r...ikaw lng ang laging
andto 4 me..."

Sent:
02:49:04pm
01.04.2006

please go home, toitoi.. things will be alright again..

now what..

on the second day of the year 2006, i lost my toitoi. he died? no, worse than that. i was just pleading little time from him. didn't even demanded. and this is what happened.

now what?

maybe. he's tired of me now. and maybe i won't get tired crying over him. enough.

now what?

carol (guy to) sent me a text message last night, telling me that his new year's resolution is to be true. and being true he told me that he wanted me to be his girl...

bull.
BULLSHIT.

i'm tried with everybody's sick faggot lies!
i'm sick of people telling me they love me but they don't!
I'm sick of people promising me promises!!

BURN!! so you'll know what it feels like to be loved and unloved by me!

hahahahaha! evil. that's right!

i celebrated new year inside the bathroom, crying.

I was watching My Sassy Girl, wala lang, killing time, counting down ‘till 2006. Just when I was getting kilig and all, my mom yelled at me and said that I should be getting ready na because it’ s new year. Then she shouted hysterically with things like “ANG TANDA TANDA MO NA 18 KA NA KAILANGAN KA PA BANG PAGSABIHAN!!!” First I thought I can handle it AA-Style, internalizing and convincing myself that I can shake it off and smile.. but I ended up inside my room again to cry harder. I felt like a total shit that night. I couldn’t stop myself from crying... I was humiliated.. and to think that it was suppose to be a night of celebration.. taon taon na lang.. every feast.. my mom and I would fight about the most trivial things that would lead her to yank me about grave issues... I was so sick and tired of all those drama! Yes, suicidal. Poser. Then my mother came in... scolded me with her repetitive homilies and sermons and paranoid thoughts... She gave a litany from marriage, AA, my ex-boyfriend to Me wishing she was dead. BULLSHIT! That’s what I hate about her! She always thinks that I wish she would die. Wishing she were dead. That‘s BULL!! PUTA! “NAKAKAIRITA KA!! KALA MO KASI LAHAT NG INIISIP MO TAMA!!” I screamed back. Tangina kasi.. Pakiramdam ko tuloy sa mga sinabi niya na napakasama kong anak. Tangina. Di lang nila alam. Magsalita man ako, sinasagot ko daw sila. Wag ako magsalita, napakamalihim ko raw. Umiyak ako, wala na raw ba kong ibang gawin, bakit hindi raw ako mag-reason out instead of crying. And it goes round and round. She finally went out. And I spent my new year inside the bathroom. 12:00 midnight, I was alone. They were watching fireworks. I was watching myself cry in front of the mirror. They were all merry making. And I was wishing I was dead.

I changed clothes. Preparing myself to sleep. She came in again and told me to stop with my sentimientos. God. As much as I want to stay inside and hide my red nose and red eyes from everyone, I would also want my mom to stop yelling. So I went out. And be perfectly humiliated. This is Kai at 18.

Happy New Year to me.

The “celebration” came to an end at about 2:00am. I went inside my room and cried myself to sleep. Then at 5:00am my mother opened the door, laid beside me and cried. She was saying sorry over and over again... telling me na “madami lang kasi akong kinakatakutan... hindi ako nakatulog ng magdamag... napakasama kong ina... I’m sorry...” I hugged my mom. Sometimes you just gotta hate her, and sometimes you’ll love her.

Happy New Year to me.