too oftenly "minsan"

minsan aalis ka na lang,
magpapakalayulayo.
magiisip.

at minsan naiisip ko,
wala siguro akong karaparan masaktan..
hindi dapat ako magreklamo,
hindi dapat umangal,
kasi daw ganito daw kapag nagmamahal.

minsan naisip kong umiyak,
wag pigilin ang luha,
pero minsan..
tutulo ito ng kusa.
ng walang kalabanlaban.
sa isang saglit na kung tawagin ay,
minsan.

minsan,
hindi ko na talaga maintindihan
ang ibig sabihin ng salitang pagmamahalan...

pero minsan babalik ka naman.
babalik na parang walang nangyari,
parang walang pusong nasaktan,
parang walang matang luhaan.

kasi minsan,
wala kang karapatang masaktan...
hindi nila dapat malaman,
na nasasaktan ka rin kahit minsan...

scared

i wasn't able to sleep soundly last night. well it's not even night, it was about quarter to one when i hit the sack, but still i couldn't put myself to sleep. i did something stupid at work. now i'm really scared of what might happen to the customer and what might happen to me. God, i might be expelled! or o.a lang ako. basta all i know is that i'm really scared and did i mentioned that i am REALLY SCARED.

i have a report in english on tuesday, a paper on monday and i couldn't drag myself to work on it because my mind is so preoccupied with stupid thoughts of mys stupid acts.

scarrry... :s


before i die, i want all of you guys to know that i love you very much..

if they kick me out of the company. ayos lang. but if the customer decides to have a press release about that and shut txu energy, oh my GOD i'm in DEEP trouble!

o.a

pero i am really scared and the possibilities are endless! kai, gusto lang ni customer iadjust yung due date ng bill niya and what did you do? you REMOVED her from the convenience pay plan!! waaaaahhh!! she would call in again to adjust the due date, she told me that, oh God i wish she'll be ok.. :(

tc nick says, "...moving forward..." when somebody make mistakes. guess what.

I CANNOT MOVE FORWARD!!! well i never moved forward anyway.

i'm praying...

Let GO, Let GOD, MOVE ON!

scarrrrrryyyy...

--------
gab: BOBO!! (sabay masterlock)
mingu: nakakahiya ka!!
marlon: NYAHAHAHAHAHA!!! BLEH!! :p
angge: -_-
eiv: ^_^ haha
star: hahahahaha! *yakap*
jon: ayos lang yun... *ngiti*
jmee: uhh..
wowowee: DALLAS TEXAS?.. *tugstugs*sayaw* MAG BERDE KA NA!!!!
ehji: uhh..
abbie: yung ballpen ko???? *iyak*
-------
have you watched A Very Long Engagement? wherein the lady kept on placing bets with fate? for example, if this potato peel doesn't break, he'll come back, if i reach the curve first before the jeep, he'll come back and so on...

i just did one awhile ago, i said if the answer is green in pera o bayong then i'll be punished. guess what,

the answer is green.

i'm about to shed tears of red... :'( waaaah...

ewan ko ba. hindi ko talaga alam paano sisimulan ang post na ito. hindi ko alam saan magsisimula kasi hindi ko rin alam kung matatapos ko lahat ng gusto kong sabihin.. pero isa lang ang alam ko, hindi ako masaya...

nakakapagod.
talagang pagod na pagod na ako...
pero pinipili ko pa ring tumuloy.
pinipilit pa ring kumapit...
pinipilit ko pa ring unawain
ang hindi na kayang arukin.
nakakapagod....

JINXED

once upon a time Gab said:

"there something in kai nakakaltokkaltok"

and then there was Marcso:

"ang weird mo kai..."

weird daw becasue of all the people, the billions of worthless people, it is me that the world picks on. and that jinx happens every single day of my life. LRT security guards shout at me, prohibit me to do things that others can do (ex: sit on the floor) i get caught for the most trivial things, while others can do INDECENT AND WAY TOO EXPLICIT ACTS but still remains to me uncaught! maybe i am weird. ok. i can take that. but please, spare my family. .not my parents, please...

lumelevel up na kasi ang jinx ko. hindi na security guards, MMDA na. and what happened is the suckiest of all suckers. mama and papa fetched me at about 1:30am sa market market. we got a bit confused when we came near the area of kapasigan but we went straight ahead. then this fat policeman stopped us. COUNTERFLOWING DAW. meaning we went the wrong direction, meaning the street was ONE WAY. and he asked for my mother's license. POTAH. mom lost her wallet a month ago, with all her ids, atms, credit cards and all adn yes her license. mom made an excuse, she left it at home, sa wheelchair ni papa. ang bobong pulis pinabababa si papa, TANGA, GAGO! so this icky policeman motioned to remove our plate, mom started crying, i was about to cry too when i remembered that our car was not yet registered for 2006. tangina. MALAS. the policeman noticed that too at nadagdagan ang putang problema namin. papa was imploring, mama was crying and i was holding my noisy dog, yes, NEMO na pinaginitan din ng baboy na pulis.

the policeman kept on sayong "o ano na gagawin natin?" i had a hint that this fat species is asking for a KOTONG. he had been repeating that devious phrase for 3 times! and then he asked us to go down our car kasi iiimpound na. GAGO! paano uuwi tatay ko ng WALANG WHEELCHAIR BOBO!!

we can't actually fight because they have a verys strong ground! reckless driving (COUNTERFLOW DAW) no license, unregistered vehicle. potah. BINGO ang mga hinayupak! no choice but to give them my last money-- P600.00.

MAGIC.

they went away with a smile on their face. with a "ingat na lang kayo ma'am sa pagmamaneho!" when mom asked "saan po kami dadaan? kasi oneway to?"

alam niyo ba sinabi ng mga puta?

"Sige directcho lang po kayo, hindi one way toh!"

PUTAAAAANG INA KAYOOOOOOO!!!!!!

*excuse my kind words*

Asshumera

Eto yung akala mo yun yun pero hindi pala.

Eto yung akala mo higit dun, pero hindi pala.

Akala mo tama ka, hindi pala.

Asshumera

mali ang iyong inaakala.

it has been days. and i have a lot to write about, well actually, to whine about.
but it has been days that i end up deleting everything i wrote.
i've been screening too much.


it's killing everything.
censorship did.






well, just an update.


i've been bombarded with so many problems lately. friends. (oo naman apektado ako) and family.. i find myself crying over things i originally have no responsibility with, but i still cry and feel responsible for it. magulo. basta. i know i'm learning. i know i am....


yun lang muna.


a vague post for a very vague weirrld.



"ikaw ang mag-aadjust sa mundo, hindi ang mundo ang mag-aadjust para sa'yo"

you and i should learn to learn that.

just saw Jon's blog.

haay..

and got inspired.

i'll be changing this blog soon..




hahaha

((palusot wala lang ako maisulat e. hehe))

there was something i forgot to bury...

my cellphone.


my hands voluntarily texted the.. corpse.
the corpse replied.








my bad.

"Laging naniniwala

Hindi nagsasawa

Nahilo sa gayuma

Kaya nawawala

Laging umaasa

Paulit-ulit lang naman

Pinapaikot ka, ahh

Walang kadaladala

Napapatulala

Walang kadaladala

Naghihintay sa wala

Nilumot na ang lupa

Wala pa ring tiyak

Napagod na ang luha

Di na makaiyak

Sana ay matauhan

Pusong nakabitin

Kalimutan mo na siya't

Ako ang pansinin, ahh"

-Sanwich's Walang Kadaladala

an ode to death

i pick up a shovel and dig earth after earth. i'm digging your grave now. and i hope and pray that i can bury every inch of you. bury every inch of us...

this will be the pit where i will throw all the laughter and all of the tears that i shed and shared with you. this dirt will eat all the fun times i spent with you. all those monday afternoons that you would irritatingly arrive late to pick me up at the legarda station. those wednesday nights that we'd talk about the latest scoop till the wee hours in the morning. and those friday afternoons that we'll have lunch all in the same place, chowking. those saturdays where we'll spend the whole day walking and wishing we were rich enough to have coffee at starbucks. the hell, let starbucks be in this grave too.

let toitoi and poipoi be in this grave with the millions of pictures we took. sadly, but yes, even the picture we took with mr. vulcaseal mascot. i'll tear those pictures to tiny pieces, tear it exactly the way you tore my heart. this grave will have all those photos. this grave will have the memories of your face.

i'm digging this earth to bury San Miguel Babad's summer concert. i'll be digging big to fit all the moshpit posers you protected me from. the slamming, the jumping, the kissing and hugging we made, i'll make sure it all goes down there.

i'll let the LRT and MRT come down this grave. megamall, gateway, galleria, the movie houses we went to, let them all be six feet under the ground, these places will just remind me of you... let suncellular go too, it has always been the crap it was. you were the only reason i stayed in that lousy network anyway..

i'll cover this grave with your flesh. sprinkle this earth with your blood. i'll throw you flowers, don't worry. and this post will serve as your eulogy. i'll let the whole world know, that even though you were fucking useless an up to no good fat-plus-pride, i enjoyed all the times we had...

but this grave will not have all the lessons you taught me. from how to stand with one foot forward in an LRT or MRT, to standing in my own two feet and be independent. from trying to be strong to punch you hard on the arms, to be strong enough to pick up a shovel and bury our memories....

this grave will have you in it. this grave will have all the memories of US. this grave will have the dates novermber 25 and december 7 on it. this grave will have all our phonecalls, our text messages, our corny jokes, the silly dances we made on public places, the polluted jeepney rides, the 711 tambay moments, let this grave have EVERYTHING THAT HAS TO DO WITH YOU...








so let this grave take my heart too...

the bobo series

i cannot say that i am sad, but neither am i happy. i do not feel lonely but still a void is stinging somewhere. just like the john mayer song goes, "i feel so alone with everybody". irony, paradox and all the exaggerations of speech and literature, its everywhere, its in me. its hunting me.

you sail a boat away from an island. slowly the island gets smaller as you row your boat. and then it fades, and then its gone. that was how philosophy described how we treat the issues of our lives. and in this case, it seems that i can run away from your memory, i can sail my boat as far as i can, as far as i could stretch. keep my self busy over things that i know are just intended to keep you off my mind, i could fool myself and go on with rowing, but i cannot deny the fact that you are still a something in my life, a someone in my life. i cannot deny that you are still there. i know you are, but miles are keeping us apart as i keep on pushing myself away from you... and you pushing me away...

i don't want to run away. i don't want to sail away. i hope the waves would lead me back to you. those waves as consistently inconsistent like this own lifetime we share.

i hope the waves will sail me back to you....