my eyes are bleeding, my heart is crying

my eyes are swollen.
my heart is bleeding, i am still afraid of letting go...
for a moment i thought i can live on without you,
for a moment i thought that i can throw your memories away,
for a moment i thought that i could no longer bear the pain
so might as well let you go...
yes i did...
but just like the quote goes
"you fing your hands bleeding, but empty..."
you let go of the broken glass you were holding, the broken glass that kept on hurting you,
but when you finally let go, your hands are stil laching, your hands are still bleeding, your hands are empty. you have nothing anymore....

that was the exact feeling i felt 9 hours ago.. i let you go.. told you that i too get tired of all the aches you bring, of all the blood i shed.. and so i did... the moment you spoke, i cried even more... the tought is sinking in, my mind is saying to let go, but my heart is aching to stay... then you were saying goodbye.. telling me that you will try to forget me... that i should not try calling you again... and then you hung up... i hung my head....

i still couldn't let you go...
i can't bear to watch you walk away,
watch our memories fly away...

please take me back.......

im cynical..

I HATE:
megamall, alimall, gateway, farmers plaza,starmall, edsa central, shang, mrt, lrt, shawarma, rrj, siomai, gotoking, nike, moviehaus, walking, lovers, lovers kissing, lovers kissing nad hugging, lovers kissing hugging holding hands, flowers, chocolates, music, guitars, bands, sunshine, rain, love, hate, girls, boys, women, men, boobs, sex, dates, 25, november, koreans, chinitos, fat, tall, pictures, tickets, tolls, inspections, guards, staircases, elevators, escalators, libre newspapers, crowds, being alone, icool, gums, laughter, smiles, donuts, coffee, 711, pasig palengke, jeepneys, buses, caltex, bulacan, pasig, dogs, i hate everything that will remind me of you.

I HATE YOU MAKING ME MISS YOU LIKE HELL.
but what can i do.... i'm nothing anymore. couldn't claim anything from you.
we're back to what we were before,
strangers.

tonight i will write the saddest lines

i'm really not in the mood to tell everyone my sick life, things are better said when written. i'm sick of everything. i'm sick of my life. i'm sick of HIM. i'm sick of them making me sick. i'm so insecure about everything else. things suck. things are sick and so am i. i'm too shitty to function. maybe, just maybe, i deserved to be loved by nobody.. maybe i was just created to mess my own life up. maybe i deserved nothing but cuss. maybe i deserved no love. why was i loving with my everything?? why did i gave you everything?? WHY THE HELL AM I WAITING ALWAYS FOR YOU?! YOU SICK BASTARD FROM HELL!! YOU NUMB, LIFELESS SHIT, YOU ASSHOLE, YOU MOTHERFUCKING FAG!! WHY ON EARTH DO I love you so much?..... why?... why?... why can't i make my first step to move away?... away from you.. away from all the pain.. the river of tears.. the sleepless nights.. the undying insecurities you bring.. why do i lock myself up in this room immuning myself with all the bruises you give?.. why can't i leave you?.. why can't my feet stand up and find the way out? why am i so helpless? powerless over you..why am i so inlove with you.. and kept brainwashing myself that we are meant to be?.. why can't i accept the fact that you are leaving me... why??? WHY???? why am i still waiting for your mercy. begging. imploring for you to stay.with me.be with me, mine alone.. why.. WHY...