clueless

paranoia's having grand feasts inside my head. i have been crying myself to sleep now 4 nights straight. i'm scared... so scared of things i suspect... of things i have no knowledge of... i'm scared of knowing nothing.. i'm scared of not hearing anything from you...

is it over?
am i just paranoid?
am i thinking too much?
i'm scared that things might fade without me knowing....

can i raise my white flag now and surrender?

i'm really really really tired.
of all the lies.
of all the happy-ay-hindi-pala moments with you.
i'm tired being tired.
i love you.
and it's poking me now,
that YOU
you sonofanidontknow.
YOU
don't.

i just hope.
that you'll be man enough...
to face me.
and look at me.
and say what you have to say.
JUST SAY IT.
give me back my life.
you captured every fucken light from me.
just tell me if i have to dig you a grave now,
tell me to pronounce your eulogy,
tell me if i have to mourn this "forever" that we called.
tell me....
i just have to hear it from you...

MATIRA MATIBAY!!

wahahaha!! wait. actually nakakahiya kasi... i conditioned myself na hindi na talaga ako makakanuod ng concert ng parokya ni edgar. na never ko pa sila napanuod live. i know. pathetic.

i felt so unlucky. na hindi ko nakuha albertus magnus for our Agnoia play, tapos yung long time ever ko na dream hindi ko pa.. umm.. maabot? tae.

and then THURSDAY, AUGUST 30, 2007. akalain mong, pumayag na ang College of Science and debate para makuha ko ang venue nila sa albertus, OMTI symposium CALLED na oo daw they're willing to give me their auditorium. HAYOOOOOOOOOOP!!

and then NIKKI, my bestfriend called and said na ifree ko daw ang sarili ko sa friday kasi may pupuntahan kami... WEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHH??? wala nga ako pera i said, sabi niya SAGOT daw niya. heheheh ANG SAYA!!!!

FRIDAY, AUGUST 31, 2007: went to school to do all the things i have to fix for AA and the other organizations that helped me find a venue.

im sorry CASA AD. ALIPININ NIYO NA AKO SA MGA SUSUNOD NA ACTIVITIES. pasensya na po talaga. baet ng KADA, kinunsiniti nila ako. naman.

6:00pm- na kayla NIKKI na ako. washed up. changed clothes. and RAAAAAAAAAAAANNNN!!
7:30- MRT SHAW station. tawa galore.
8:00- nalimutan ko kung anong station yun... pero basta
8:30- nagTAXI. tapos FOLK ARTS THEATRE NA!!!!

pumila... ayun... chinika si KUYA VICTOR PAGUE, isang bouncer. hehe nakinukwento sa akin ang wowowee for some reason, at kinuwento niya sa akin si KUYA GRET "GRETA". hehe at sinabing sa end ng concert pagnakita niya kami, ibibigay niya sa amin ang SECURITY ID niya. YEEHAY!!

RED SEATS kami. so yun. hindi talaga front row, about 20 seats away from the stage. ok lang :) tapos lumipat kami para mas malapit sa stage, gilid nga lang.

MOONSTAR 88 was first. tae. narealize ko ANG PANGET NG SET!! natatakpan ng isang malaking "welcome barangay poste" ang banda. pakshet. badtrip!! kung dun din tutugtog ang PNE tangina mamatay na talaga kuko ng set master nila!!!!

so lumipat kami, sa bandang gitna, yung dati naming pwesto, malayo, pero kita mo. pero narealize naming upuan pala yun ng LIFESYTLE NETWORK so bumalik kami sa dati naming seats, only to find, ang MAGSYOTANG SUGO NG DIYOS PARA ITEST ANG PASENSYA KO! THEY GOT OUR SEATS!!!! pero alam naming hindi naman talaga amin yun pero kinausap ni nikki. ayaw. ayaw humarap, binulungan na nga ni nikki ng "bitch" hindi pa rin pumalag. TAEEEEEEEEEE. NALULUHA NA AKO. ANG LAYO NA NGA SA STAGE, WALA NA MAKITA, EPAL PA YUNG MAGSYOTA, AT SI NAGPAPACUTE PA SI YAEL YUZON!!!!!!

tae. pero sabi nga ni ANGGE pagnakita ko na raw ang PNE mawawala na raw kabadtripan ko. true enough! dahil KAMIKAZEE pa lang, nagwawala na ako. hahaha!!! tumayo na kami ni nikki, at tinabihan namin yung magsyota, na KJ naman.. hanggang tap lang sila ng fingers and toes, tae pag nasa concert ka you go wild dapat! hehehe HAYOP si JAY CONTRERAS, SEXXXXY!!! hahaha nakakaloka.

tapos... PAROKYA na!!! naku CHITO!!!!! waaaaaaaaahhhh!! basta ang saya na talaga nung narinig ko na si CHITO, yung feeling na parang AKO NA MAY ARI NG LAHAT NG AUDITORIUM SA UST!!! ganon!!!! taena talaga at ang magic phrase na nagpasa talaga sa kin ay:

CHITO: PASENSYA NA PO HA? WALA MUNANG TICKET TICKET NGAYON.... LUMAPIT NA KAYO LAHAT DITO!!!

OMG!! wala ng poise poise at pasweet, tumalon kami agad ni nikki dn sa bakod na nagseseperate sa nga red seaters at reserved seats, mg a 5 feet siguro yun?? ahahahha hindi ako FRONT SEAT, FRONT FRONT ROW AKO!!! NEXT TO THE BOUNCERS! hahahaha ANG SAYA TALAGA!!!!!!

tambay mode lang talaga yung concert nila, nahawakan ko lang braso niya, tinuro niya lang naman ako nung kinakanta niya yun "OK LANG YAN PAREHO TAYOOOOOO"- inuman na, pinicturan lang naman kami ni JAY CONTRERAS gamit ang isang DSLR na ng isang di nakikilalang photographer, hehehehe

WOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!! wala na yata akong maalala. basta yun. ang saya. nakipagbonding kami after sa mga audiomen, cameramen, security, event masrhalls, hehehehe ang saya talaga!! tapos close na close na kami ni BOUNCER KUYA JAY EXTRA LARGE, kamukha niya kasi si JAY CONTRERAS, extra large nga lang siya. hehehe sa sobrang close niya sa min, pinapauwi na niya kami! haha may mga bouncer pang, UY! KAYO YUNG NASA DULO NA NAKARATING sa HARAP KANINA AH!! hehehe KEBERRRR! nilibre namin sila ng coke. hehe

at.... edi, wala na yung mga tao. biglang lumabas ang pamilyar na mukha... sabi ko, "SI VINCH.... WAAAH!! VINCI!!!!!!" edi lumingon siya!!! hahaha nagpapicture kami!!!! ang baet sobra!! may yakap pang kasama!!! hehehehe

si chito naman.. eh.. sa backstage tlaga lumabas... haay.. ok lang.. MASAYA PA RIN AKO!!

THANKS AIRA SA PAG-COVER SA KIN!
THANKS MINGU SA PAMASAHE!
THANKS NIKKIPOT AND KATPOT SA LIBRENG TICKET!!!!!!

visit http://kaidox.multiply.com for pictures :)

MALAPIT NA AKONG MAMATAY!!

ineffectivity

feel so bad lately. so many things to do.. i want to run away and hide and.. actually... sabi ko lang yun. I can't and won't walk out of everything. it's just that, lately, i really feel so weak and stupid... ewan.

tv prod's becoming... can't even find the words to describe my ranting. my contact said they're interested and then after a few text messages, suddenly parang ayaw na. haay. i hope they'd reply soon.

major prod. haay.

auditor.auditing.fs. basta yun na.

family problems.

humihilab na sikmura ko sa panahon at mga pagkakataong hindi ko maibalance.
sarap isuka.

sabi ko lang yun. :(

YOU ARE SO WEAK SO DAMN WEAK. USELESS. TANGINA ANG BOBO BOBO MO. WALA KANG KWENTA! NAPAKAHINA MONG TAO!!I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU EVER EVER DESERVED TO HAVE THAT THING THAT PEOPLE GRANTED YOU. EH BOBO KA NAMAN. ALL YOU DO IS TO PERFECTLY DO EVERYTHING THE WRONG WAY!! KAI NAPAKATANGA MONG TAO!!!!

NAPAKAHINA MONG TAO!! SOBRANG..

i wish i have lots of time

proper time management. that's how stage managers do it. but sometimes, and that sometimes happens a lot nowadays, i rarely have time for anything at all. but anyways.. here's the list of things i have to juggle.

• TV Prod- i am the director next week!
• Have to do letters for Coffee shop, still for TV Prod.
• PM. i am the production manager for the major prod. wow.
• venue. venue? venue?!
• money.money? MONEY!!!
  

so there. it doesn't seem a lot but it is more than a handful. really. so there. actually, i'm just waiting for my fucken boyfriend to call... ayan tumawag na siya... hehe tata!